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Bernadette, Your Bridge and Storm Responds…
Dear Tsundere-hime,
Truth be told, I don’t know how to respond. Until now I’m still overwhelmed with happiness and love over what I’ve read from you, even though you’ve already told me before many of the things you’ve written here. But like I said, every repetition of our declaration of our love for each other takes on a new meaning, and what you have written is one of the most meaningful and significant repetitions ever. And just like a work of literary art, it becomes more beautiful when dissected.
The things you told me I represent? You represent those things too. You represent those things coming to life and more. You manage to make me feel the supposed novelty of fiction take an actual physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual shape and form. And at the same time you remind me that our love is still anchored to reality, therefore there are struggles and limitations, yet they feel so organic, that despite their weight, they are very much worth bearing, that I would rather go through them than live another fiction-like life with another woman.
As for your fear, well, I felt that fear too, yet it was short-lived, for I realized that I should not dread the near-perfection of our connection. There is also another kind of fear I feel with you: the fear of you ceasing to love me because of my flaws – both discovered and otherwise – or because I have fucked shit up to the point of beyond repair. There is also the fear of us falling apart because of some machination of destiny. So I fight those fears, every day, the same way you confirmed and confronted yours, in order for us to be together forever, by loving you earnestly, and by being the best that I can be every time. And even though I fall short with the latter so many times, I want you to know that I earnestly try. I will never give up, because with you I never felt the fear of uncertainty that kept me from being serious with the girls I’ve met in the past, be it those who liked me and those who I thought I like. So you no longer have to hope that I feel the same way too, as I will already confirm that hope: this is it for us, honey.
Up to now, I am still bewildered by all those questions you have. About yourself. About me. About us. About our love. These wonderings of yours are a glimpse of the world that is your soul, whose ocean of thoughts is deep and always ebbing and flowing. I do not know what to do or say about it, because what you think and feel and how you do things aren’t problematic. Rather, they’re reflections of you, and for me to even think that I should change you or “solve” those non-problems would be so pompous and pseudo-messianic of me; all I can do is to love all those parts of you, be with you every step of the way, and help you clear your doubts on love. So please, honey, always be honest and open with me, because I’ll never leave all you and all the truths – good or bad – that make you who you are.
Like I said, you’re who you are, so you’re not a liar and a coward; it’s just that to you, solitude is strength. And I agree; there is a great sense of pride and achievement for pulling yourself up. Relying on oneself, however, is not the only strength there is; there too is the strength we draw from others, the strength they lend us. That is why I’m here, and that’s why we’re together – to draw and lend each other’s strengths. Of course, I respect your need to draw strength from within, but I want you to keep in mind that I’m always here to help you. I’ll give you your much-needed aloneness at times, many times even, but not all time, and not during the times when our relationship lies in the balance.
Last but definitely not least, thank you, that I am able to make you feel a great and range of feelings, that my coming into your life like a sudden rain poured new and more vivid colors into it like a rainbow. Well, the same thing happened when you came into mine. You too were a rainbow. We both are. And this double arch of hues shall, like a monumental arch, shall stand the test of time. For it is – we are – more than stones put together; we are souls intertwined. And I love you, so much.
Bridge and Storm
Written by my girlfriend, Berna:
The very first time we talked, I felt that you represent everything I should have forgotten a long time ago. Books. Anime. Manga. Movies. Daydreaming. Dreaming.
And as we got closer to each other, my initial fear was confirmed. I should have stopped right then, but you opened up to me and I to you in a way that no one ever did before. I should have stopped but it’s too late.
It seems serendipitous, polar opposites meeting and being united by something so strong yet unexplainable and indefinable. It should be lovey-dovey from thereon but a time came wherein I ask myself how and why.
How to make this last? Because unlike what I’ve been through in the past, this is real. This is not some teenage dream that’ll eventually fade through time and trials. This is it for me and I hope for you.
Why now? Because I’m still moving on from the trials I’ve been through in the past. Not just from a petty boy but in life, since I’ve been bombarded by trials ever since. And when we met, I was still tending to my wounds and searching for directions in my life.
How to explain that I need time for myself? Because it’s been the way for me ever since. I don’t talk about problems, I brood over them. I think about them. I don’t want to talk; I just want to be left alone. I don’t need advice from other people; I just need time to figure things out, alone, by myself, on my own.
Why am I doing this to you? Because I don’t trust myself to make relationships last. I can’t even find a friend that is not suffering from depression or other mental health issues. All my friends are mental and I’m not trying to be funny; it’s a fact. All my life people leave, and some say that it’s not my fault, but it’s hard to convince yourself otherwise. It’s hard to say I’m not to blame when one day you’re laughing over silly things then the next they’re not talking to you for months.
Because I’m a coward and a liar. I tell myself I don’t need other people but you showed me how easy life could be if you have someone you can completely be honest with. You showed me that though problems can’t be solved immediately, having someone beside you makes them less hard to bear. You showed me that letting some people you care about know your struggles does not make you a weak person. You showed me that by letting others in, those peoplewho truly care for you, make it easy to conquer challenges and setbacks.
You are my bridge.
When I met you, life was so peaceful and serene. I want to stay and forget the noise of the outside. With you I am at my most peaceful and most vulnerable. You are my favorite place in the world.
You are my comfort yet at the same time you were my storm.
Before you, everything is just pitter-patter. Sometimes I get soaked but most of the time I managed to stay dry and wait for the sun to light my way. Wait for the light because I know it will come, it’s the same every time — it rains for a while, soft drizzle, and I wait just a little; sometimes the rain gets to me but not for long. Before you, everything was just a drizzle that I’ve foolishly mistaken for a storm.
Now that I’m with you, I get to know what it feels like to be comforted and swept away at the same time. Now I know how it is to know peace and when you get out, when I get out from the bridge that you are, everything is extremely close and incredibly loud. You amplified the rain, because of you, because of the force that you are, everything happen sall at once. It made me disoriented at firstmade me scared that I wouldn’t get through it,but you were beside me. And with you I feel like we can do everything if we are together.
I still have a lot to say and these jumbled thoughts are far from what I had in mind, but I believe this messed-up letter to you perfectly conveys the turmoil that you brought in my life.
Nth Time: Apologies and Fucking Up
Yes, I made this during work. You’re more important than a quasi-dream job. Besides, I only have one article to write today. Oh if only we didn’t have a “mini” fallout, you’d know that. If only we didn’t have a “mini” fallout, we’d be laughing, talking about nothing and everything, and sharing random links and posts on FB.
Tsundere-hime,
I’m sorry. God, I’ve repeated those two words so often that I already look like a pathetic bastard, and that the word is about to lose its meaning. Truth be told, I had no idea that what I did last night would set you off. It was just a joke, a “meme”; but apparently, it no longer was to you, as you had it with me. You and your patience were exhausted, and I was an insensitive bastard who thought I was doing you a favor by trying to make you laugh. But it wasn’t even remotely funny; it was just plain annoying. I was just plain annoying. And for that, I once again say the two most overused and abused words in my relationship with you: I’m sorry.
As the White Stripes song goes, I just don’t know with myself. I’m random, impulsive, illogical, nonsensical, stubborn, a bit callous, confused, clumsy, and unwary; therefore, I’m difficult. I find me difficult too. In fact, I find myself so difficult that I’m wondering how you were able to put up with me for the past six months. And for every time I fuck shit up, I just wish that I have the strength to break up with you so you can find another guy who will take much better care of you and deal with you so smoothly that you’ll feel like you’re in a Nicholas Sparks novel. Except I can’t because I’m selfish. I can’t because I’m having what is perhaps the best time of my life since…ever, and I want this golden age to never end. This renaissance, however, entails you being chained to me. I’m not making those shackles any easier to bear, and though I was able to make you happy and laugh many times in past, I don’t think those things can’t make up for every fuck-up I make. And it hurts so much worse because I’m the one causing you pain. For that I hate myself. I swear to God, I want to make a copy of myself so I can beat the ever-loving crap out of him.
I’m always acting in ways that I think would benefit you but actually don’t, and I’m always casting aside practicality, conformity, and normalcy for sentimentality, symbolism, and antics. There’s something wrong with me, and out of that wrongness comes my unwilling and accidental yet repetitive wronging of you and falling short in so many aspects. I swear I’ll do and be better next time. I swear I’ll be more perceptive, more sensitive.
For the nth time and definitely not the last time, I’m sorry honey. Please, let’s talk it out later. There will be many other Community of Young Professionals meetings, but only one chance to fix this before it becomes a monster that gets swept under the rug, only for it to rear its ugly head and devour everything we’ve built. I love you honey, so much.
The Hopefully Eternal Catching of Mesprit, Love, and Life
“And if you hurt me, well that’s okay baby only words bleed. Here in these pages you just hold me. I won’t ever let you go.”
-Ed Sheeran, Photograph
Legendary Pokemon are a lot more difficult to catch than their non-legendary counterparts. It’s either because they simply have a low Pokeball catch rate, or they have gimmicks. It’s either their location is hard to access, or worse – they have no dungeon at all. Some of them can only be chanced upon in completely random circumstances, while others, despite having an official location, leave it, and make them chase you all over the region. Truth be told, it’s one of the annoying types, as they’re tiresome to capture. Mesprit, however, made me realize that the chase actually makes the pursuit worth the capture.
In the Sinnoh region, which is my favorite region because it’s the Pokemon World’s birthplace, there are the three lake guardians – Uxie, Azelf, and Mesprit. When the world was created by Arceus, the three of them came into being and brought forth three metaphysical facets of the souls of humans and Pokemon; Uxie gave knowledge, Azelf gave willpower, and Mesprit, emotion. Of course, my favorite is Mesprit, because without fear, doubt, shame, guilt, anger, sadness, joy, and ultimately, love, then humans and Pokemon would merely be sentient yet cold beings who would not value the existences and experiences of their own as well as others. Yes, my favorite is Mesprit, even though she it’s the only one of the three who made me chase her it around Sinnoh. Because after going to Lake Verity cave to see and capture Mesprit, she it flew off to some random part of the map.
According to Professor Rowan, Mesprit wants to play with me. Not to be a self-proclaimed douche of a Pokemon expert, Professor, but your old ass has been sitting in the lab since Arceus created the damn world, so I have more firsthand Pokemon knowledge and experience. And you know what I think? Mesprit is conflicted.
Maybe she it doesn’t want to be captured because she it feels that even though being with a trainer would make her it happy, it would be wrong her it, a highly esteemed legendary Pokemon, to need a trainer. But oh, little does not-so-little Mesprit know that being with a Pokemon trainer is not a sign of weakness, but of strength, for without her it this trainer would be nothing. Sure, I got Torterra, Vaporeon, Staraptor, or even Giratina, but it’s just not the same without the life Mesprit evokes in my heart. Likewise, the trainer brings out the best in Pokemon. While there is no doubt that Pokemon and human beings can live strong and separate lives, but together they get to unlock their ultimate potential. On a separate but related note, it takes a considerable strength to handle a Pokemon like Mesprit, as well as the tenacity to go after her it.
Or maybe Mesprit is concerned about me. She It knows that wielding a Legendary brings pressure, both from the Pokemon itself and other trainers. But oh Mesprit, I’ve always known that a trainer’s life, especially capturing and sharing a life with a legendary Pokemon, will never be easy. I could’ve chosen to capture Azelf and Uxie – much easier targets – but you know me, Mesprit, always one for the challenge. But don’t think I’m doing this for the challenge alone; I’m doing this because I want what you represent and have given the world: emotion, and ultimately, life.
Then again, perhaps Mesprit only meant to run away once because of the weight of her its heart, but then she it felt guilty for having done so and have become embarrassed, making herself itself think that she it has no other choice but to continue getting away from me. But oh Mesprit, you need not feel the burden of your initial action, thus Ed Sheeran’s quote above. Besides, of all Pokemon, you, granter of emotions, should know that love this great and lasting is much greater than temporal pain.
Well, whatever the reason for her its seemingly ceaseless flight, I just have to go after her it, so I did. Every time I fly next to her it, she it would fly to a faraway in a completely different direction. It took me a while to understand that, but once I did, it was all downhill uphill from there, as I had to run, bike, surf, many miles just to get to where she it is. And every time we met, I am only given one turn before she it would spirit away to somewhere else, but still I persevered. It took me a total of around two hours to whittle her its HP down to red, go back and forth across Sinnoh, and throw Pokeballs at her it, until I finally caught her it in a rainy Route 210; how dramatic. Truth be told, I could’ve just used a Master Ball, but that would be a cop-out. I want her it to come with me not because her it has to – no 100% catch-rate shortcuts – but because her it wants to, and the Ultra Ball, the sign of my best and most hopeful convincement of it, the proof of my dedication, did the job.
It’s not an easy feat, and while I could’ve done something much easier, but you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way. Because everything I went through made it my most memorable Pokemon capture and run ever. I’m not even kidding. So Mesprit, please, stay with me, forever. Let’s have a lifetime full of life and love. There will be many hard times, many currents to be crossed, grasslands to be treaded on, mountains to climb, and wild Pokemon to defend each other from, but all those things are only going to make our bond stronger. I love you, so much.
A Post For Our 5th Monthsary
Dear Tsundere-hime,
Happy 5th monthsary to us! I love you so much! I don’t mean to be presumptuous, and I don’t mean to take this milestone for granted either, but I’ve always known that it wouldn’t be hard for us to get to where we are and who we are as a couple now. What has become harder, however, is finding something to tell you. By the time I wrote this, I have already scrapped four open letters for you (and heavily edited this one), as most of them were too melodramatic and self-deprecating that it’s pathetic, not to mention unnecessary (yes, they had something to do with last Friday, which I believe has already been resolved). So instead of another pseudo-artparasites crap, I’ll thank you instead for so many things.
Thank you honey, for everything. Up to now, there are still times when I still find it hard to believe that you, a beautiful, sweet, and intelligent girl, fell in love genuinely with a guy like me. Yes, it’s been almost a year now, and yet there is still that sense of amazement in me, not to mention the fact that I’m just as clingy as I was before. Yeah, you told me that after three months, the honeymoon phase is going to end, but it doesn’t seem like it, because we’re two months past the whole three months BS and we’re still as lovey-dovey as before. I hope, pray, and will work hard to keep it this way, because I love how it feels, and I love you, so much.
Thank you for putting up with my shortcomings and insanity. I believe I’ve already told you this many times before, but I’ve always wanted a girl who understands me and would be patient with me. Amazingly and crazily enough, there is one, and she loves me just as much as I love her. Truth be told, I’m still scared that one day you might wake up and realize that I’m not worth putting up with, but I fight those pointless, baseless thoughts every day, and your love helps me do that. That is why every day I do my best to become self-assured in your love, as well as improve myself so you’ll no longer have to endure me that much. I guess there’ll always be the part where you’ll have to bear with me because I have a few loose screws and failing faculties (especially memory on practical things), but I’ll do my best so you’ll no longer have to as much as before.
Last but not least, thank you for making so many beautiful memories with me. We haven’t really left the nearby south much, but I’m already more than content with those things. And if that’s already the case, imagine how much an out-of-town trip, like what we did in Tagaytay, or at least a date in an out-of-the-ordinary place, would make me happy. Well, Tags was already one for the books, and I can’t wait for more of trips like that. But like I said, even if we sit on the corner and eat crappy food, it’s more than enough, because I’m with you.
So, that’s pretty much it. I still have so many other things to say, but I’m sure they can wait. What’s important is that this open letter would hopefully set your mood for the day, or even days to come.
I love you so much Tsundere-hime, so please stay with me, hopefully forever.
Third Monthsary: A New Age
NOTE: The reason I wrote this blog is because even though I wanted to hand-write you a letter, I couldn’t because I have to meet you after my final interview, and my usual origami letter would be ruined because of the commute, and a monthsary letter has to be sent on the day itself, so I made this instead. I tried to keep it as personal as possible, so there are no meta tags and SEO tricks on this one.
To my beloved Tsundere-hime,
We’re now officially three months as a couple, but there are times when I still can’t believe that I’m still in a real-ationship that is built on love, trust, honesty, respect, and commitment. I waited for nine years for something like this, and what I got made what I was wishing for pale in comparison. That is why I always support you in whatever you do, make you feel the best you can because you are the best, and spend time with you whenever I can. And you do the same, so thank you, so much. I know for sure that we’ll keep doing this acts of love to each other, even if we’re getting past the “honeymoon stage” – something I don’t really believe in – because what we’re after is each other, not fleeting feelings of excitement, newness, and shallow pleasures. It’s also because we’re willing to go through even the rough, undesirable parts of a relationship the right way; we smoothen them and not cover them up, as we know that they’ll resurface later on as bigger, more dangerous potholes in our walk as a couple. We’re doing a pretty good job honey, let’s keep it up.
As what I told you last night, I’m confident that we’ll make it. However, I don’t want to be complacent, because I keep reading and hearing about relationships that last five, seven, ten years, only for them to fall apart in the most fucked up ways possible. We’re strong, but we’re not invincible; that’s why we have to keep doing everything we’re doing right, trusting and knowing more about each other, learning from our own and others’ mistakes, being open with one another, supporting and encouraging each other through thick and thin, and giving each other space to grow. We’re getting the hang of that part. However, what I intentionally left out because I want to emphasize on it is recognizing our weaknesses. Because when everything’s going great and we’re hitting every goal, it’s easy to think that we’re insusceptible to temptations, getting tired or used to things, or taking things for granted, which I think are the most insidious and most common causes of breakups.
So let’s keep our guard up honey, and let’s have each other’s back, because I want to be by your side forever in the fight of our lives, in this fight for our love. We’re up against the world and our flawed nature, and both of them are tough and cunning, and I think they’re about to hit us a bit – or a lot – harder, because something good just happened: a final interview.
If I am to be given this employment, we’ll have less time spent on each other physically. And truth be told, I want what you proposed: us meeting twice a week. The problem is, however, is that my work is going to be in Ortigas, and traffic in EDSA is always going to be like that in an apocalyptic movie. So if you want a day aside from Saturday, which is going to be our usual date day, just like normie couples (ugh), you’re going to have to sleep in the office if our shift schedules would be in conflict. Yeah, that’s less time, which is a bummer, but we’ll make the fewer opportunities we’re going to have much sweeter. And since taking the job means getting paid, I’ll be able to buy you the usual romantic things, gifts, and take you out to better and farther date spots and restaurants. Finally, honey, we can have our adventures!
As I’ve previously said, I don’t believe in the honeymoon phase. I mean, that phase of ours wasn’t exactly lovey-dovey, as we had to go through people and circumstances. And now, because of my change in status and not the number of months that have elapsed, we’re entering a new epoch – a brave, new, and exciting one, because I’m with you, the girl I love the most, the girl who understands me, helps me improve, and loves me for who I am.
In the Evangelion anime, the Third Impact means the end of the world as we know it and the beginning of a new, more metaphysical one, a world that is open to fan interpretation. And so, in our third monthsary, an era ends, and a a new one that is full of both considerable hardship and beautiful, lovely mysteries is about to begin.
Happy monthsary honey, I love you, so much.
Our Red String of Fate, Spun With Time’s Fabric
Note: even though this post is inspired by The Time Traveler’s Wife, I didn’t post any image of the movie because I have neither watched it nor plan to do so, and any image from the movie would affect the way I imagine the book. And I imagine Henry as Clive Owen, not Eric Bana.
I have a love-hate relationship with stories that involve time travel. Love because the concept of visiting the future or going back to the past in order to change the course of history never seems to lose its novelty, and hate because it can always sometimes get confusing. Nevertheless, the love always prevails over the hate, especially if the time travel tale is entwined with themes of romance. That’s why I’ve taken a liking to Time Traveler’s Wife. In fact, I’ve never been this invested in a book after quite some time. I’m not just saying this because Berna lent it to me; it really has an interesting remise: Clare’s husband, Henry, travels to different random time periods, and thankfully including Clare’s past. And to me, the idea of traveling back in time and seeing how a person is like, especially the one you love, would be heaps awesome.
I have this firm belief that people who we fall for and fall for us come into our lives at the perfect time, and meeting the person at any other time in our lives, be it earlier or later, would’ve caused the romance to not begin or not work. Nevertheless, I believe that a lot of people, including me, are curious with what the life of the one they love before they met him or her was like. Because even though they tell us about their past, it’s a completely different thing to be told of who they were before and to see, hear, and feel the person they once had been for yourself.
I remember when Berna got drunk with soju during my former company’s Christmas party. I told her that she’s like a six-year old during that time. And when I said that, I wondered what single-digit aged Berna was like. Was she playful? Did the cat that is her figuratively got killed by curiosity? Did she engage in roughhousing? A yes, as she told me that she even got sent to the guidance office. What if I was there? What if I was her playmate/classmate? Who’d be the faster runner? Would she let me hitch a bike ride with her? Would she tease me until the point of annoyance, of tears? Well, whatever the answers may be, I wish I could go back in time to her childhood as a grown-up, so I can bully her until she cries home to her mother, and then I’ll tell the most important woman in Berna’s life that I want her daughter to hopefully be my wife someday.
High school was a dark time for me, as I had no deep friendships, bullies, and repeated failures with subjects that involve algebra – a far cry from that of Berna’s, as she was able to keep high school friends, and there were (and probably are) boys who had (and probably still have) a crush on her. I wonder what would be like as her classmate. Would she stop the bullying I am receiving because of my last name, social ineptness, and uncool, childish tastes? And if so, why? Out of pity, or something more? Or maybe she’d join them, although I doubt that she would. Nevertheless, I wouldn’t hold it against her if she did. I’d be sad though if that were the case, because my crush joined the bad guys –an unusual high school manga plot. Or maybe I wouldn’t even notice her, as I’d be too preoccupied with my weaboo dream and chase chinitas, like I did in this timeline, in this reality, until I met the Berna I met and have come to know. But nah, because I’d notice and fall for a soul as unique as hers regardless of the circumstances of our first meeting. So if we were high school classmates, she’d be nice. She’d help me in the subjects I’m struggling with. She’d stand up for me – something I would later on realize as my job. And because she’d do those things, it’d be impossible for me to not have a crush on her.
But just like the past of this timeline, I won’t be the only one who will fall for her in that alternate one. Just like in this reality, she’d have a boyfriend, and I’d be second, third, or even fourth fiddle. The high school me doesn’t know how to properly interact with others and say stupid crap, so even though we’d be friends, she’d never see me as a thief whom she’d let her heart be stolen by. Nevertheless, boyfriend or not, and whether he’s a jerkass, goody two-shoes, or anything in between. I’d wait in the wings for an amazing, one-of-a-kind girl like her – the same thing I did back in college.
And speaking of that rather bittersweet four years of my life, of that first sip of reality, I wonder how much it would’ve changed if I met her. What if we were traveling in the same commute route and I realized how much of a looker she is? What if there was or I was able to make an opportunity for us to talk? Would she give this awkward stranger her number? Would there be enough magic to rival that of my major college crush/seatmate/the girl whom I owe my college diploma to? Or maybe I’d still be too damn smitten by someone else’s angel and fail to realize that I’m in the presence of my then-future goddess. Maybe that had already happened. Maybe our paths have already coincided, it’s just that my senior Thomasian self was either too into foolish and hopeless chinita-chasing or too drowned by the sadness of his not-so-tragic friendzone story to notice a CEU freshman girl’s deep-set brown eyes, soft and silky brown hair, beautiful and even morena skin, and what could’ve been a budding connection between us. Well, what if I did? What if there’s no way for me to not notice her? Us exchanging digits and Facebook accounts and constantly chatting each other after – or even during – classes, hanging out in the different spots in U-Belt, staying at a cheap-ass eatery for hours because we’re already content with each other’s company – same thing we’re already doing now, cutting classes and me traveling to her campus so I can give her gifts and spend time with her, ditching our friends so we can watch fireworks at Paskuhan.
Our love now is quite immature in the best way possible that she calls it “young love”, but the thought of that even younger love is so enchanting. But would such a flame come to fruition, considering I knew nothing about women at that time and had zero self-esteem, self-confidence, and fashion knowledge? I doubt. We’d have been friends and not lovers. And maybe that would’ve also been the case in the more recent pasts, so thank God we never met each other in the past five years, ore else we would’ve probably not have fallen for one another. I needed to work on myself first and learn how to be strong, confident, and happy so that I can make my then-future beloved happy and carry each other through tough times with hope. I had to learn how to begin to love myself, an art that Berna is helping me with now, so that I too could give her love instead of me asking it from her all the damn time. I had to learn how to act around women. I didn’t get to smooth operator level, but at least I figured out what and what not to do and say during a date. Besides, I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t learn too much, because I could’ve been tempted to play around and miss out on what I have now because I’m preoccupied meaningless things like the chase and one-night stands/FuBus/friends with benefits. And lastly, I had to learn a lot about love. I had to be repeatedly rejected and occasionally reject until I realize I have to fuck the “the game”, which is about either getting laid or getting a girlfriend, and just keep on loving until I find the girl who loves me back, accepts me, and understands me – Berna. If she came at any time before I learned what I now know – even just for a few months – my love for her would either be insipid, incomplete, or shallow.
There’s no time like the present; the past is history, the future is a mystery, and today is a gift; and last but definitely not least no matter how lame it may be: sa tamang panahon – cliché yet powerful truths about love and time. Maybe that’s the reason why time travel is impossible: because couples who’d attempt it would unravel the very fabric of their love, which has been ripened by time. So Berna, I’m thankful that I met you in the best possible time: now, and neither of us have access to time travel because we might mess up the very tapestry of our love, which was woven by God with His perfect fabric of time and our red string of fate. So from here on out, because we cannot go backward, forward, or stay in the now because time is always in constant motion, let’s make every year, week, day, hour, minute, and second count; let’s fill them with love. Let’s not stop until this universe, which is limited by space-time, finally ends, maybe we can sit in some weird Interstellar Tesseract-like place in space, hovering above space-time, looking down on the split timelines of this universe while we slow-dance to Earth Angel by Marvin Berry & The Starlighters.
Then again, there’s such a thing as time travel. Because when I look into your eyes, I see the future…
P.S.: Maybe we can go to different historical events, as long as not the ones that might cause our relationship to spin into chaos. 😀
Reality, Nightmare, Dream, Love
There is a part of me that hates reality because I’m different. Well, everybody is, except I’m the kind of different that most of the people around me find problematic and therefore don’t like because what sets me apart makes me difficult to understand and deal with. I move so peculiarly that it’s hard to exactly describe how, I speak about even the simplest of things with pauses and stutters, I don’t always maintain eye contact, I’m almost always somewhere else whenever and wherever I’m somewhere, and to follow my own train of thought means to go against almost everyone else’s.
Because of my eccentricity, that I had almost given up on one of my dreams – finding a girl who will understand, accept, and love me for who I am, for in reality women usually never go for awkward and strange men. I had already reconciled with the fact that more likely than not, the women I will date will try to change me, fail, and leave, and then I’ll end up with “the one” – the one who will foolishly feign acceptance of my weirdness, marry me, tolerate me, and end up hating me. Until Berna, that is.
In all honesty, I still find it hard to believe that she finds the things that make me weird and therefore undesirable for a lot of people as adorable. Feels like a dream, and rightfully so, for I have always dreamt of a girl like her. Yet she is as real as she gets, for I talk to her about the things I wouldn’t even dare bring up to my mother, brother, and closest of friends; look at her deep brown eyes; feel her soft, smooth, and even morena skin; run my fingers through her short and silky brown hair; hold her reassuring hands whenever we walk; and do the things people usually think are infantile and wastes of both time and money.
But the thing about dreams is that they are either accompanied by nightmares – or turn into one themselves. And I fear that this dream might become one, that she might wake up one day and find my passions, actions, thoughts, and words as intolerable pains, that she might one day become “the one”. Or worse – maybe I, not her, would be the one to wake up as a completely different person and hurt my dream. I, the one who wanted someone like her to come along, would let her down, neglect her, grow tired of her, have differences and fights with her and resent her for them, and what is perhaps the worst – be tempted by another dream that is nowhere near as wonderful as her.
These fears are real because they are very possible, so I fight these nightmares off, work hard, remind myself, and pray every day so that both of us would stay as understanding, accepting, loving, supporting, and faithful with each other as our first few days. Because more likely than not, I will never chance upon a dream as beautiful, vivid, full of life, and as fitted for me as her. Because more likely than not, I will never find a girl like her again, whose love can make reality feel like a dream and turn dreams into reality.
My Eternal Summer: A Summer of Possibilites
FINALLY! After more than a month, two major essays, and a script for a play, I have returned. And my God, my absence has been so long that the season has already changed – it’s already summer, my favorite season! You guys and gals know what that means! Fun? The beach? Other things I shouldn’t mention because I want to turn a new leaf? Yes, yes, and yes, just like how all summers should be. Unfortunately, most summers – like last year – do not achieve their true potential. Because of the many constraints brought about by work, lack of money, laziness, and failure to organize and plan, summer activities usually just remain in the head as summer plans and dreams instead of coming true in the real world. So, is this year’s season under the sun going to be just another one of those wasted, uneventful summers, like the many summers in the shadow of years past? Confidently and happily, it’s going to be a big NO. I got a job, therefore I have money (just enough for me to go from paycheck to paycheck just to enjoy summer); I got my Saturdays off again because grad school’s on a four-month break, therefore I have time; and I’m single, therefore I have freedom. Money, time, and freedom – everything I need this summer to travel, flirt, play video games, watch movies, hang out with friends, and drink. Sounds awesome, but also unstructured, thus the need for me to make bullet points and plan ahead. Yes, it’s so not me to consider something as anal as planning, but it’s better to go a little bit out-of-character than to achieve nothing. So, without further ado, here are the agendas for Summer 2015.
Play Video Games
I remember playing Final Fantasy XIII during the semester. I thought that I could breeze through it so that it would stop distracting me from my studies, then I got to the part where the heroes went to Gran Pulse, which is kind of like the game world’s outside world – an immense, untamed expanse that ranges from lush sceneries to arid deserts. It’s home to many fascinating beings, and it’s where ruins of an ancient and powerful civilization lie. I was so awestruck with its beauty that I had to put the controller down, quit the game, and save it for when I already have enough time, because to merely pass through such a sight to behold would be to cheat myself of the chance to immerse myself to an amazing experience. And now I do. And it’s not just going to be about Gran Pulse. I’m planning to revisit the equally beautiful and enchanting world of Eorzea really soon, and compete in DoTA 2 in the comforts of my home. And why stop there? Why not explore other virtual realms? Well, the question isn’t why or why not, but how, considering that my PC is currently riddled with viruses, which may or may not have been caused by my visit to sites that ask my age. Thankfully, it, rather she, will soon and finally be reformatted, have her video card replaced, and have her insides cleaned. Once that’s done, we can revisit ever-alluring universes and lay eyes on new ones. God, I’m so excited for our summer honeymoon. 
Travel
One of the epiphanies I got when I reached Gran Pulse is that I was and still am secretly wishing to explore a beautiful world that is still completely unknown. Unfortunately, I do not move in such a realm; seems like every nook and cranny of this one has already been charted. However, even though that may be the case, I still have yet to experience those already known places myself, which is entirely different and infinitely more real than just reading about or looking at them online. So this summer, I will consider all the places I have yet to go to as uncharted. And if an interesting place would be considered as such, then I will and should explore it if an opportunity presents itself. This summer, just like many summers ago, will be mostly about beaches. After all, I do love the beach, for it’s where the sky, earth, and sea meet. I’ve already explored Munting Buhangin in Nasugbu, Batangas this summer, and I will be exploring Calatagan, which is also in Batangas, a few hours from now. A week from now I’ll be in Pangasinan, either in Dasol or in the Hundred Islands with Mother and Brother. In the second to the last week of May, if I organize it properly, I’ll be going to the beach with Fernan, Paolo, and Nico – or even with Ivan, if he has spare time away from his new girlfriend. And in June I’ll be in Coron with my family (save Father), Tita Baby, and Tita Jojie and our cousins. Four beaches in one summer – perfect. Aside from the sandy shores, I wish to reach the lofty mountain peaks. I want to know what it’s like to trek uneven terrain while I carry a considerably heavy weight on my back, to struggle in pulling my own weight as I scale a steep slope with my hands and feet, and enjoy the wide view of the world from the summit – my reward for conquering nature and my physical limits. And when I get to the top I want to chill with my friends, chat, listen to songs, have a jamming session (must be hard to bring even just a ukulele to a climb while we drink, sleep, wake up and do the mundane but necessary cleanups, and then go back to boring old civilization with unforgettable memories. But of course, there’s more to traveling aside from oceans and mountains. There’s this fiesta in Tarlac on May 8 (how), and someone’s encouraging me to come; there will be the UST Writers’ Workshop in Baguio in June; other up and coming events I have no idea of; and other places I might find out about and suddenly want to travel to. After all, the world I know firsthand is still very small, so I have to make it a little bit bigger.
Self-Improvement
The many opportunities to make many of my past summers productive were bleached away by a lack of motivation, which was hiding under the guise of leisurely fun. So for this summer, despite my crystal-clear intentions to splurge in entertainment and travel, I will earnestly do my better myself. Perhaps the most logical thing to do in order to improve myself would be to learn how to drive. Furious 7 has nothing to do with this; it’s just that I’ve always wanted to drive our family’s 2001 Honda City, and it seems like the time for that want to also become a need has already come. I want and need to learn how to get behind its wheel and know how to clean it, maintain it, fix its simple problems, and customize it so I can call it my own. Then I will take out and bring it to Race Wars. Just kidding. The next skill I want to probably pick up (but most likely won’t) would be pornophotography. I want to go beyond being able to use manual; I want to be able to take beautiful, lifelike, publishing and portfolio-quality shots. No, I don’t want to learn photography just because I want to take shots of beautiful women. Lastly and the most implausible of them all would be hitting the gym. I really, really, really, really, really, like to, but I really, really, really, really, really, lack discipline. I want to have washboard abs, a sculpted back, and bulging biceps that would make girls and gays scream indecently, but I would rather do sedentary activities like play video games, read manga and novels, and write than go through the tedious, tiresome, daunting, and painful process of getting a beach body. 
Books
it might sound corny or boring, but I actually want to spend Manga: I really need to find a completed school-life/harem/romance/ecchi manga series so I can revive my idealism towards love. Novels: FINISH ELANTRIS BEFORE JANICA TAKES IT BACK! I also need to finish Catcher in the Rye. And Murakami’s got a new book out.
Drink and Party
I don’t think I should advocate partying. And drinking is an all-season activity.
Romance
Next post please. (to be continued).
For me, summer this year has begun quite late. That’s alright though, because this summer is long, exciting, and full of possibilities. And the best part? It has just begun.
To Tinderella…
Hey Tinderella!
Yes you, Clarize. You asked for a post so I can prove that I am a writer, so here it is. So, do you believe me now? Of course not yet; I’ve only written a sentence, and anybody, even someone who’s not a writer, can do that. So, how do I convince you that I really am a writer? Well, why don’t I convince you that I am indeed the one who was talking to you instead? By doing so, I can prove that I am indeed who I say I am – a writer.
If the prince had Cinderella’s glass slippers to find out who was the beautiful belle from the ball, I, on the other hand, have the knowledge on where you found out about Tinder. English Only Please. Quite a lot of people have been telling me it’s pretty good, so I guess I’ll watch it, with a date or otherwise, like what you said.
Anyway, if Cinderella has a fairy godmother, you, Tinderella, have Fairy Tail, since you don’t like Naruto and all. Now, are you convinced that this is my blog and that I am indeed a writer? You should be. If still no, then read on. Anyway, see you on Tinder after work. Your kingdom awaits.
P.S. I would’ve written more if I knew more about you. Let’s keep chatting, okay? 😉
I put the I in the UNIVERSE. I hope I can put U too. 