Nth Time: Apologies and Fucking Up

Posted on June 21, 2016

Yes, I made this during work. You’re more important than a quasi-dream job. Besides, I only have one article to write today. Oh if only we didn’t have a “mini” fallout, you’d know that. If only we didn’t have a “mini” fallout, we’d be laughing, talking about nothing and everything, and sharing random links and posts on FB.

Tsundere-hime,

I’m sorry. God, I’ve repeated those two words so often that I already look like a pathetic bastard, and that the word is about to lose its meaning. Truth be told, I had no idea that what I did last night would set you off. It was just a joke, a “meme”; but apparently, it no longer was to you, as you had it with me. You and your patience were exhausted, and I was an insensitive bastard who thought I was doing you a favor by trying to make you laugh. But it wasn’t even remotely funny; it was just plain annoying. I was just plain annoying. And for that, I once again say the two most overused and abused words in my relationship with you: I’m sorry.

As the White Stripes song goes, I just don’t know with myself. I’m random, impulsive, illogical, nonsensical, stubborn, a bit callous, confused, clumsy, and unwary; therefore, I’m difficult. I find me difficult too. In fact, I find myself so difficult that I’m wondering how you were able to put up with me for the past six months. And for every time I fuck shit up, I just wish that I have the strength to break up with you so you can find another guy who will take much better care of you and deal with you so smoothly that you’ll feel like you’re in a Nicholas Sparks novel. Except I can’t because I’m selfish. I can’t because I’m having what is perhaps the best time of my life since…ever, and I want this golden age to never end. This renaissance, however, entails you being chained to me. I’m not making those shackles any easier to bear, and though I was able to make you happy and laugh many times in past, I don’t think those things can’t make up for every fuck-up I make. And it hurts so much worse because I’m the one causing you pain.  For that I hate myself.  I swear to God, I want to make a copy of myself so I can beat the ever-loving crap out of him.  

I’m always acting in ways that I think would benefit you but actually don’t, and I’m always casting aside practicality, conformity, and normalcy for sentimentality, symbolism, and antics. There’s something wrong with me, and out of that wrongness comes my unwilling and accidental yet repetitive wronging of you and falling short in so many aspects. I swear I’ll do and be better next time. I swear I’ll be more perceptive, more sensitive.

For the nth time and definitely not the last time, I’m sorry honey. Please, let’s talk it out later. There will be many other Community of Young Professionals meetings, but only one chance to fix this before it becomes a monster that gets swept under the rug, only for it to rear its ugly head and devour everything we’ve built. I love you honey, so much.