Month: December 2014

Number: A Short Post

Posted on December 23, 2014 Updated on December 23, 2014

Last week, you asked me why I always sit near you whenever your friends leave. I just kept my mouth shut. It should’ve been obvious why, but I guess you didn’t want to assume, although I wanted you to do so. I, on the other hand, wanted to tell the truth at that time, but I didn’t. It had to wait for a few days.

I have already told you, so you already know.

Yesterday, I asked you for your phone number. You asked me what for. I just told you that I wanted it. I didn’t bother with the reason that should’ve been obvious to you. You gave it to me anyway.

But apparently, you already gave it to me before. We just both forgot.

Until I realized that you share the same name as my cousin.

So I asked it from you again, and you still gave it to me. You no longer asked me why.

Future cousin-tahan, I register in my phone.

This entry was posted in Cupid's Corner, Girl Talk, Lost In Thought and tagged love, romance.

Bastard of an Ex

Posted on December 22, 2014 Updated on December 24, 2014

…not always.

Loss is gain. Therefore, when you lose a boyfriend or girlfriend, you gain an ex. Not much of a gain I guess, since exes are usually vengeful, bitter, or indifferent, and few and far in between are the amicable ones. Nevertheless, it’s a gain. After all, you can’t form the equation sex + experience = sexperience. And me? I gained an ex, which meant I gained experience. Yes, only experience, because I didn’t want any sex and sexperience from my ex even though she told me before we broke up that I could’ve easily asked for it. That means I’m still a virgin. – okay James, too much unnecessary info that your public (if you have any) doesn’t want or need to know. Anyway, the important thing is that Anya and I are over. It’s not her, it’s me because me no like her in the first place anyway.

After I have written the previous paragraph, I realized that I sound like a bastard that has turned what was probably a sad event for her into something comedic for me. Maybe that’s what I truly am, a bastard, because only a bastard uses the feelings of a girl just so he can experience what it’s like to be in a relationship and finally be declared as no longer single since birth. Only a bastard like me puts up with a girl who talks about her personal concerns and pretends to care about them even though he doesn’t because he doesn’t care about her in the first place. And only a bastard like me gets irritated with the mere text of the girl he says he loves but actually doesn’t. However, even a bastard like me is still human.

Of course I felt sorry and guilty for leading her on. I also felt the same way for growing cold all of a sudden, not replying to her texts, short and vague chat messages, and the excuses I made just so I can hang up the phone. But when I finally called it quits, I didn’t feel sad or awful, and only when I look back do I feel the latter for my lack of remorse.

I broke up with her in an informal and impersonal way – chat. In all honesty, at the time we broke up, I didn’t want to do so just yet; it’s just that it got to a point when there was no longer any point for me to keep faking it. After what was probably two weeks of my silence, she told me that she wasn’t sure if I l-word (I just don’t have it in me to say it) her or not, and asked me if I do. When she did, all my plans of breaking up with her in person and probably seeing her go hysterical over it went up in the air. It was senseless to prolong both our agonies, plus I wanted to start dating Carmina (more on that later on) at the soonest time possible during that time, so I replied to her question – no.

An effortless no that ended everything. She didn’t curse me, and I didn’t regret my decision – I guess the lack of an adverse reaction probably meant the lack of weight and genuineness of the relationshitship, as well as the willingness of either side’s will to fight for it. Funny how my first girlfriend didn’t amount to much. There weren’t many memories of her aside from her long and awfully timed calls whenever I was with my friends, playing DoTA, or doing nothing; us watching Akame Ga Kill at home, drinking with my friends, and playing DoTA 2; our League of Legends games; Skype messages at work; her show of concern towards me; and her nonsensical rants. Thankfully, I don’t miss any of these things. Damn, I sound pretty heartless.

So much for me wanting to have a meaningful first girlfriend experience. In the end, it felt as if I never had a girlfriend in the first place, as if I’m still single since birth even though I no longer am.. It’s as if everything we had didn’t count, since it lacked the most necessary element – love. I thought there was going to be a label, an announcement from heaven, a snap inside my heart, or a certificate that proves that I have relationship experience no matter how much of a bad joke mine seems, but there was none. I thought having an ex for the sake of having one would give me some sort of leverage, but all it got out of it was an empty number, a statistic, and the first girlfriend slot in my memory lane forever occupied by a forgettable faux-romance. I thought getting a girlfriend/ex would make me better at love, but it didn’t. I still suck at love; I still reel in and hurt the ones I’m halfhearted with and still isn’t as surefooted at getting the one I want the most.

Well, at the very least, I found out what it feels like to be with someone you don’t like. It’s constricting and meaningless, so I’m no longer planning to enter anything similar to what we and Anya had. Truly, this bastard has learned his lesson, for real and for good.

This entry was posted in Cupid's Corner, Girl Talk and tagged girlfriend, love, relationship, romance.

Baby I’m Back…Again

Posted on December 21, 2014 Updated on December 21, 2014

A lot can happen in three months, and that includes me not being able to write and my friends and my public – if I have one – forgetting that I have a blog. Well, whether I have kept my readers waiting too long, have lost them altogether, or had none to begin with save a few handful, the important thing is that I’m back and I’m better than ever. But before I tell what’s happened to me in the past three months like I’m sort of narcissistic celebrity, let me explain first why I took a break.

Honestly, it’s not my intention to go into hiatus; it just happened. I didn’t want to stop from updating this blog. In fact, during the past three months, it’s what I probably missed the most. Sure, I had two posts back in November, but a lot has happened since then, not to mention that they don’t go down on the nitty-gritty details about my thoughts, emotions, and experiences. Anyway, the reason why I was only able to have two posts within ninety days is because I was too tired to write even just one post.

Yes, I became too tired for one my favorite mistresses, my talent and passion, and one of my reasons for living. Well, if you have to write articles for your day job and your part-time job, as well as short stories and poems for your post-graduate degree, then you probably would be in the same boat as I am. More than eight hours sitting in front of MS Word and seeing nothing but a white, empty electronic paper become filled with text drained me of so much mental energy that I was left with nothing for my own personal reflections. But now that La Salle is already on Christmas break and it’s just two more working days before my job follows suit, I finally have enough time and brain juice to make a catch-up post, and more importantly, timelier write-ups.

So, what have I been up to these past twelve weeks? I wrote bad poems and incomplete young adult-ish short stories, had dinner with poet Joel Toledo at Harbor Point and talked about the sadnesses of post-divorce life and the absurdity of the politics of the poetry scene, went to see the shining orange Pasay City skyline and its violet starfield at Two e-Com building with John, got my short story screened by two high-profile writers, brought my RLE-mates to Two e-com building so that I could have a pseudo-romantic moment with Ampie (which didn’t happen), went to a crappy and overcharged meetup/party of a secret sex confession group where only gin was served, and frequented cosplay conventions. And oh, I’ve finished Naruto, which I’ve been reading since college. Yep, that’s pretty much it.

They all seem so underwhelming without the details, but I swear, these are events that have changed my life and perspective. Too bad I can’t remember the specifics, so I’d rather not write about them, as there are so many of its essences that have already been lost, and trying to recapture them would fail altogether because the end result would seem forced and stale. Thus the reason why I want to update my blog as often and as recent as possible, something that wasn’t possible for me these past months.

But now it is once again. That’s why I have returned, so rejoice my people (if I have any)! And in celebration of the resumption of this blog, I have prepared not one, not two, but five posts.