Month: August 2013
Movie Myths: The First Second Date And The Legend Of Aya Toujo
“Please don’t hint that you’re capable of lies…”
-Blink 182, First Date
I’ve only been on a movie date once, and I don’t think the girl I was with considered it a date. It was last year, with Ina, my co-worker when I was still in Teleperformance. We had a nice time chatting about whatever things over frappes and a blueberry muffin at The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf and watched The Hunger Games (part 1 here and part 2 here, damn thing’s too long because I was infatuated). Such a shame though that it didn’t work out with her. And I don’t think it’d work out with me and the girl I had my second date with, although I hope it would. Well, at the very least, I had so much fun with a very cute girl while watching a movie, something I haven’t really done for almost a year now, even though my friend (and I, somewhat) thinks that I shouldn’t have gone out with her.
So, who’s the girl? Honestly, I’m kind of surprised myself – it’s Lin. Yeah, I like(d?) her and she broke her promise, but a part of me I refused to acknowledge still wanted an explanation why, forgive what she’s done, and pursue her once again. Last week at the Otaku Expo, after months without contact, our paths once again crossed. She approached me and asked me how I’m doing. Yeah, that made me happy, but not yet decisive enough to ask her out again, because what did was the message she left me on Facebook. I responded, we chatted, one thing led to another, and next thing I knew I had a beautiful date on a Saturday. Her chamber in my heart that was darkened and closed was reopened and lit up once again. Rather, it is not a chamber, but a theatre where she is the show and the star. Oh God I am beyond hope and cure, for once again I am delusional.
We were supposed to watch Kick-Ass 2, but theatres already stopped showing it even though it hadn’t hit two weeks yet by that time, so we watched Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters instead. The first Percy Jackson was an enjoyable and understandable yet slightly-leaning-to-bad mediocre flick, and I didn’t have any high hopes for the sequel either, but I wanted to watch a movie with her. In fact, the movie was an excuse in itself, for all I wanted to do was spend time and do something with her. That logic is probably the same logic why some people who are dating watch movies.
After four hours of sleep, I woke up on a Saturday morning. I drank my coffee, took a bath, put on clothes, and texted her to confirm if we’d push through with today. At the back of my head, I was thinking that I just restarted the cruel cycle, but then she texted back as confirmation, so I gleefully went on my way. I don’t know if she considered it a date, but I definitely did. My first date with Lin and my second date ever. A milestone in my life.
I arrived at TriNoma a few minutes late. She was sitting in front of Goldilocks, wearing a black-and-white striped top, black jacket, navy-blue short skirt, black stockings, and white rubber shoes. Her hair was straight and black, complete with a hime cut, her half-moon chinita eyes were amethyst, and her soft lips were strawberry. I surprised her, she smiled at me, and we went our way. It was Amore all over again, that I could not believe I’m with a girl this cute. Except this time I’m a bit more on guard, with her breaking a promise and all. Still, that didn’t ruin the fun.
We had cheap talk as we walked, jumping from one topic to another (my new sideline work at Otaku Asia anime magazine, the stupid stuff I’ve been posting at a secret cosplayers’ group, etc.) then it got to one topic that made her put her arm around my back, and I couldn’t help but feel giddy about, so in response I touched her soft white hand hanging over my shoulder. Wherever we walked, I looked at the glass panes that gave off our slight reflection. “We look good together” I thought to myself. “We look like a couple, that’s how others who saw us were definitely thinking” I thought to myself. “Will we be? Do I still want us to be?” I asked myself. And I’m still asking the same question.
“Gusto mo ba ng popcorn? (Do you want popcorn?)” I asked her right before I gave our ticket to the usher, and she gleefully said yes. Maybe I’ve watched too much romance movies/anime and read too much romance manga/novels, but popcorn is like the quintessential movie date food, and a movie date without it would feel much too incomplete. It was pricier than oil (Php95), but those popped golden kernels were my ticket for a chance to sweetly touch her hand whenever she’d reach into the bucket. Such a shame it didn’t happen though.
Perhaps the problem with taking a girl like Lin to an action-adventure movie is that even though she likes movies and anime, she’s not exactly my brother or any of my guy friends that like the same titles I like, so it’s kind of tough to make references and jokes to her. But despite that fact, watching a movie with a girl like Lin gave off a different kind of charm – a charm that seeped deep into my heart when I saw her eyes glimmer along with the silver screen, heard the sound of her soft voice and laughter, talked about different things that the movie made us talk about such as going to Boracay on a yacht and Attack on Titan (how unrelated), and felt her soft thighs, shoulders, and hair on mine. What made me feel sublime was not the deep, thought-provoking dialogue either us or the movie had, but the fine little details and the big picture once they’ve been put together.
The movie was a definite improvement from the prequel on all aspects, but we’re still pretty disappointed with how things turned out, especially with the anticlimactic climax, which is…yeah, better not let my enthusiasm get the better of me and spoil the movie for anyone. Nonetheless, we had fun. Not only me, but definitely her as well, I’m certain of it. And so after the movie and eating at KFC, we headed on home. And on the bus ride back, I was happily thinking of her again, what happened this time, and how my second date and first movie date with Lin happened, and what should I do this time around – just like how I was happily thinking of her, on the bus ride back from Amore as well as during the times we hung out in cosplay events in malls along EDSA.
I’m not sure if what happened was a reboot or a sequel, or better yet a prequel of better things to come with her. I don’t know. Heck, I’m not even sure if I should still pursue her (again?) given her track record. Well, some of my friends and the logical side of my brain think I shouldn’t, but the hopelessly romantic side of my heart tells me I should. Not that I’m disregarding my friends’ sound advice, but…damn it, I don’t know what to do. Just like Percy Jackson after part two, I still definitely haven’t figured things out. I still haven’t got the answer why the silence for so long, as she apologized but never explained. Maybe a part of me is still believing in the myth that she is Aya Toujo, even though my friends and my better judgement completely disagrees. God help me. And I ain’t talkin’ about Zeus or his pantheon.
P.S.: I still definitely have doubts. Maybe I should just look for Aya Toujo so that this would happen. Damn it Lin, make me believe you could redeem yourself and be Aya Toujo. And Aya Toujo, if you’re not Lin, let’s have a movie date ASAP.
We didn’t hold hands by the way. And too bad there weren’t any cheesy parts on the movie that gave me a chance to make moves like this…
P.P.S.: Percy Jackson Sea of Monsters Micro-Review:
7.5/10 – I’m being generous since it’s a memorable movie for me. Thank Lin, Mr. Lerman, ‘cuz I only watched your movie because of her…
Like what I’ve said, the movie is a definite improvement on all aspects, be it the battle scenes, storyline, and character development. However, while the movie adaptation of Rick Riordan’s modernization and Americanization of Greek Mythology is interesting, brilliantly creative, hip, and fun (much more fun than Wrath of the Titans I should say), it is still predictable, doesn’t bring anything new to the table, and the CGI was obvious and awful. Still, it’s pretty much honest to itself, doesn’t try to be anything else other than a teenybopper action-adventure movie, and has heart. Quite looking forward to part three actually, might even follow the books…
P.P.P.S.: Maybe I should give Saint Seiya and American Gods by Neil Gaiman a shot as well, with all the mythology going on…
Floody Heck Day 3: Seeing The Rainbow On A Holiday
“Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors…
-Boys Like Girls, Thunder
Honestly, I never thought that my musings about how Maring and the monsoon rains affected me would become a three-part miniseries. And since the flood on the way to work has finally subsided and the showers have devolved to drizzles, I give you the colorful finale. Enjoy. 🙂
Yesterday, August 21, was a holiday, Ninoy Aquino Day, meant to commemorate the assassination of Senator Benigno Aquino Sr., the man who fearlessly opposed dictator President Ferdinand V. Marcos. His death was the spark that ignited the EDSA Revolution, a peaceful protest that ousted Marcos and restored Philippine Democracy – that is why it’s so important for every Filipino, patriotic or otherwise. to celebrate it. But of course, as much as I am grateful about what Ninoy did for the country, I only care about the holiday for one reason and one reason alone – no work. However, in my case, since I work for an outsourcing company, getting a holiday is pretty much a 50-50 deal – it’s up to me and my employer whether I get to have a day of slacking or another day at the abattoir office with double pay. And since it’s not entirely up to me, aside from the fact that the way to work passable again, I did, despite it being against my will. Either I didn’t have enough vacation yet (which obviously wasn’t the case), was still feeling under the weather, or had extended vacation syndrome. Damn, looks like I ate what I said about choosing boring work over another boring day of vacation in my previous post.
I left home a few minutes past two-thirty, right after I ate brunch. I left home and another day of slacking around with its comforts and amenities for work, not because of the seemingly handsome reward that is the double pay, but because my beautiful boss was looking for me, since my coworker Marveen, who takes the same route to work as I do, was able to get there. I had no excuse, since the road to work was no longer flooded and our place never got flooded in the first place, so I heeded her call. With a leather jacket on my back, high-cut leather shoes on my feet, and an umbrella over my head, I went out for the first time in two days, hoping for gray skies at best (I’m realistic) and prepared for heavy showers that can cause flashfloods once again and getting stranded at work for the worst. Thankfully, what I got was something of an in-between.
Since I had a little bit of time to spare, I stopped by SM Sucat before I went to work, which was flooded a day ago, to check the books on Book Sale. The janitors were still putting up with the insurmountable task of drying up whatever’s left of the floodwater on the mall’s ground floor, and the ATMs outside were damaged beyond repair after being soaked for almost an entire day (oh God the money inside them), so I had to wait in line for the ATM inside the mall’s premises. For the first time since payday (which was last Monday), I open my ATM – Php5,500+/-. Ugh, I can’t believe I’m being paid that low for putting up with their crap. Then again, all I do at work is finish whatever needs to be done at the shortest time and fastest way possible, talk to my friends, eat, read manga, open my Facebook, browse other sites, and hope to bump to Karmela. Anyway, money is money, and I wanted some books, so I used my not-so-hard-earned pay for Heat Guy J (a crappy manga, but nonetheless a manga so it’s a plus for my collection), The Devil and Miss Pryn by Paulo Coelho, and For One More Day by Mitch Albom – all for about Php410. Not bad, considering a new copy of a bestselling novel nowadays usually costs around Php315-Php700+/-.
During holidays, you can go to work anytime between 1PM to 5PM and leave anytime as long as you’re done with your job. In my case, I got there nine minutes before 4PM, so thought I’d be going home at 12AM at worst since there’s no overtime during holidays because holiday is already considered as overtime. And you can’t do double overtime, except certain cases, especially when you have a truckload of backlogs, but I abide in the “you can’t do double overtime” rule, aside from the fact that I pretty much don’t care. I went to my workstation and found my coworkers – Marveen, Connie, Ate Joyce, and Ate Lynn. Four out of fourteen…not bad, considering it was a holiday and many areas were still flooded. I sat beside Connie, who told me of her misadventures the day before. A few minutes later, Albert arrived and told his own wild experience with Maring. With all they told me, I didn’t know whether I should laugh or feel sorry for them, so I chose both, with the former being more evident. I guess I did the right thing, as they were laughing with me. And maybe that’s just how it is in life – storms, be it in a literal or a more deeper existential sense, will always come to rain on you, blow you away, and flood your path. It’s not a question if, but a question of when, how strong, how often, and how many at a given time. They’re definitely not positive experiences, but when they’ve passed and you look back at everything that’s happened, you’ll be looking for a soul to tell all about it and have a good laugh with them because you survived them, learned a thing or two from them, and found the silver lining from their dark clouds.
Given the weather condition and the fact that the flood just subsided very recently, the food in the cafeteria was crap, so we opted to eat at the nearby KFC. But since it was raining, we decided to have it delivered instead. And for some reasons unexplainable to man, KFC told us the delivery would take an hour to get there, even though their nearest branch is only a few minutes away ON FOOT. Still, since we love their chicken, their thighs, and their breasts, we concurred. After almost an hour and finally admitting that I was already hungry, we received a call from security saying that KFC has arrived, so I tagged along with Connie to pick the food up. There it was…the food. But apparently, it wasn’t ours, it’s Andrea’s. “Andrea?” asked the KFC delivery guy. Andrea, who said hi to me, looked at me with iridescent eyes, and smiled warmly into a bow with her pursed lips. Have I mentioned that Karmela’s other name is Andrea? Although I’m not sure if it’s her actual first name or her second name, but I know Andrea is one of her names because that’s how my friend Rob addresses her. Nonetheless, Andrea sounds just as sweet as Karmela. Well, whatever her name may be, she is the rainbow personified – for her eyes are its colors and her smile is its arc. She was what made going to work yesterday, despite it being a holiday more than worth it, not the double pay. Too bad though that a smile is all I got, because I was kind of wishing something along the lines of this…
If I chose to stay at home and be lazy once again, I never would’ve seen my muse, my inspiration. If I chose to extend my hikkikomori throwback days, this post would not even be half as lively and interesting, not to mention long. If I chose to pretend that the storm is still raging and the roads are still flooded, nothing would’ve happened. But I didn’t, so I saw my meager not-so-hard-earned pay and bought new books from it, had actual contact with people who are not my family after two long days, had a blast with my friends, and saw Karmela…I mean Andrea. Whatever. What’s important is that I got back to my life now that the storm and the floods have ended and saw the rainbow once again.
And damn it, it’s raining again, and it’s quite hard and intermittent. Seriously, Maring, when are you going to leave for good? Seems like it’s going to be a four-part miniseries. Oh well…
P.S.: KFC = Karmela’s Freakin’ Cute.
Floody Heck: Day 2
The rain poured so hard last night it sounded like crashing rocks being unloaded from a truck. When I heard it, I guessed that I won’t be able to go to work again yesterday. And my guess was spot-on – all routes to work were once again impassable. So just like the day before, I stayed at home. I would’ve went out if I had the chance, but I think doing so in the middle of a storm coupled with heavy monsoon rains just to have fun is definitely out of the question. It’s not because it’s dangerous, but because nobody in the right mind would come with me.
I pretty much did the same things I did yesterday, except this time I didn’t watch any movie. Yep, just good ol’ League of Legends and To-Love-Ru. It’s hikkikomori days all over again.
And while others are running low on stocks at home, we had a feast, as mother prepared fried chicken and mojos for lunch and spaghetti for dinner. They were all so good that it shamed any fastfood restaurant, and I’m not saying that just because she’s my mother. In fact, it’s so good that it made me screw my diet just so that I can have more servings. Sure, it’s just my mother’s same old cooking, but when it’s cold outside because the rain won’t stop falling and the winds won’t stop blowing, it tastes like the best cooking there is. Heck, mother’s cooking would still be the best even if the sun was shining bright, it’s just that it tastes better because the weather’s awful. Ah, the warm and tender meat, the crunchy skin, the oiliness of the fried rice, the hot potato dipped in batter turning to delectable paste upon mastication, the sweet-and-sour Spaghetti sauce coating the firm pasta – that is how home is supposed to taste like on a freezing stormy day. While others had nowhere to go and nothing to eat, I was safe and comfortable at home doing completely useless things and having sumptuous meals. My lifestyle, despite harsh conditions, remained totally unchanged, and I couldn’t help but be thankful for it.
Finally, the rains came to a complete stop and the winds hushed. With the weather finally calming down, the flooded areas will be back to normal in a matter of hours (days or even weeks in really awful places thanks to very poor urban planning), making the route to work passable again. And for me, that means returning to my boring old usual life again. But hey, I’d rather have that kind of boring than the one I’m having right now because it gives me money and something that resembles a life. After all, once I’m done with the real work, which only takes 3-4 hours, I just read manga and visit Facebook anyway. No different than what I’ve been doing these past two days.
P.S.: I haven’t taken a bath in two days. I didn’t have to leave the house, it’s cold, I don’t stink yet, and I still don’t feel sticky or itchy, so why would I?
P.P.S.: Damn, I really need to go back to work or else I’d revert to being a fat hikkikomori who doesn’t bathe…
Revisions, Revisions, Revisions
Style-wise, my previous post wasn’t the best post I’ve had. Sure, I was able to say what I wanted to, but it had a lot of redundancies because of my self-indulgence – a typical problem whenever write. Thus, this happened.
Because of this, I realized that I need to learn how to proofread first before pressing that Publish button so that I could spot very fine grammatical errors, not-so-nice-sounding word combinations, repetitive words, and redundancies resulting from my self-indulgence.
Damn, my way of writing definitely needs a revision…
Floody Heck
Back when I was in college, I loved it when classes were suspended due to inclement weather. Of course, I felt bad for people who were affected by the flood every time there’s a storm or very heavy rainfall, but my concern for them does not have the power to change the weather, so I took what I was given – a day or two’s worth of vacation; three, four, or even an entire week if it’s a total calamity. Although sometimes I did wish for an extension and didn’t care about how awfully affected others were by the weather (except when it’s more than two days because I’d suddenly miss my classmates, my crush, and my allowance), but I was just a kid back then (not that I no longer am, it’s just that I’m a little bit more mature now) so give me a break. Besides, I thought that I won’t be able to get as much of it once I graduate. But apparently, I got one yesterday and might even get another one today, and it’s all because the usual route to work got deluged, making it impassable. Pics or didn’t happen.
That is not the set of Waterworld nor of The Day After Tomorrow. That is SM City Sucat, a nearby local shopping mall. I pass by it everyday when I go to work and home from it. No, I am not going to take another route where public vehicles pass because there is none. I could’ve taken a cab, but good luck to me finding one in the middle of a storm. Aside from that, my daily wage is Php550, while a one-way cab fare to work would cost around Php130-180, while food and beverage would cost me around Php100-150 (yes, I’m a wasteful spender), making my total earnings for that day very negligible and would never compensate the hassle of traveling during bad weather and the chances of being stranded – chances I’m not willing to take. Yeah, I’m obliged to to do my job since I signed a contract and I’m paid to do so, but I would never put sworn duty first before self, especially when my route to work was deluged. And sure, I could do my job at home, but why do it for free if you can do it tomorrow with overtime? Thus, I stayed at home and did nothing related to work. Except peek at the inbox and delete the spam.
All I did yesterday was watch The Three Stooges on Star Movies over lunch with the entire family since my siblings’ classes have been suspended, play League of Legends with friends, and read To-Love-Ru. Very productive. Maybe I should’ve done my job instead? Well, it was probably the right thing to do, but it’d be a total waste of a perfectly chill one-day vacation. And since I’m not getting paid, I’m not going to work.
Honestly, I still don’t feel like going to work tomorrow. And while I’d love to get another day off, I wouldn’t want the rains to keep going on since a lot of my countrymen are already having a hard time thanks to the flood. I’d rather go back to work despite it being a never-ending struggle against sloth than another day of seeing people sick and trapped because of the disease-ridden flood that could reach up to six feet depending on the area. Besides, I already have five absences for this month, which is pretty bad for my record paycheck, not to mention the fact that my absences could be used against me if I ask for a holiday off this Wednesday despite the fact that I’m entitled to it because the law says so. Oh outsourcing, how I despise your ways.
Oh well, whatever, I just hope and pray that the rains would stop so we can all get back to our lives, especially those who were affected by the flood…
Heaven And Earth
“And don’t you know I would move heaven and earth to be together forever with you…”
-Rick Astley, Together Forever
How many floors do you need to climb to get to heaven? Five. And you’re gonna have to pretend to have good intentions and carry a box to get there.
Unlike before, I no longer get to see Karmela everyday during breaktime since her schedule’s somewhat erratic. But whenever I do, we seem to talk quite a lot. The first time we got to have an actual talk was on the second of August 2. I lost sight of my friends but accidentally saw her, so I said hi. To spend time with her longer, I pretended to be going the same way as her. Apparently that time, she was going home, so I pretended to be going to Seven-Eleven instead. She noticed that my knees were somewhat shaking, so she told me to not be afraid of her, and then she giggled. We talked about work inside the shuttle, although I was more focused on her fair and soft-looking cheeks, silky ebony hair, shining obsidian eyes, and lips glazed with glittering-pink lipstick compared to the topic. She could’ve made me so happy, if only father wasn’t sent to the ICU the same day. After that, I haven’t really had much chance to talk to her. Until last Friday…
I was just going to buy gulaman from the canteen, then I found something sweeter – her. I said hi, she said hi, we had small talk that served as some sort of pathetic excuse to spend a few minutes with her and gaze at her beauty, and I went away with a smile on my face. With that, my day was complete and perfect. Except that it got more complete and perfect, thanks to my officemate Mai who was transferring to another department. He needed help with carrying all his stuff which he put inside a box, and when I heard that it’s the fifth floor he’ll be moving to, I volunteered with zero hesitation whatsoever. Aside from wanting to see Karmela, I wanted to see what the other floors looked like, although I wouldn’t really have given a damn what the other floors would look like if it isn’t for Karmela.
The box wasn’t really heavy, but I was out of shape (lacks physical activity, not fat) so I had to catch my breath a few steps later, not to mention the fact that Take My Breath Away by Berlin was playing on the radio, making it seem like some cheesy 80’s music that would match my anticipatory cheesiness with Karmela. Finally, we got to the fifth floor. At first I was a bit worried that the ulterior motive behind my “act of kindness” would be unfulfilled because I’m unsure which wing Karmela’s in, then I saw her in her natural habitat, with her ebony hair ponytailed. Perfect.
Before going back to our area, Mai decided to have a talk with probably the project leader (we’ll call him/her project leader for brevity’s sake). With him gone, it was my chance to talk to Karmela, who seemed to greet me when my obsidian eyes met her amethyst ones. In an effort to start a conversation, I looked at her shirt that complemented her slim and subtle curves and her bag and asked her “Hindi ka naman mahilig sa violet?” (Apparently, we don’t like violet, do we?) She then laughed, and I added how her bag and shirt matched my topsiders and scarf. We talked about her fellow new-hires, her erratic schedule and how she’ll be out by 2AM instead of the supposed 10PM, and how she’s going to have work on Saturday. And just when I’m making so much progress, Mai comes out of the project leader’s cubicle, saying how he thought I offered my help out of the goodness of my heart upon seeing my ulterior motive coming to fruition. And his friend Rob was throwing some side comments as well with her usual loud voice, making the people on the floor draw attention to us. After that funny and semi-embarrassing situation, I bade farewell to Karmela and went back to our area with Mai. From heaven, I went back to Earth…
I’ve been to heaven many times before thanks to the angels, but it’s been a while since I’ve done so. Could it be that she is…!? Should I even call her such and give her a number? Nah, I might jinx it. But these feelings are already damned to begin with, and all I could do is steal a few minutes of heaven. Or maybe it isn’t. Oh James, let’s just not jump to anything and count our blessings. After all, I got to get to heaven and talk to an angel…
…you’re jinxing it again, damn it!
Stolen Waters: Damn The Circumstances And Consequences
“Stolen waters are sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.”
-Proverbs 9:17
Like I said in my previous post, things are back to normal. And so I am back to my old self. My girl-loving, skirt-chasing self. And right now, while I have many girls in mind, Karmela is my most favored muse…who happens to be chained to another man. Like I care about that anyway. After all, we like who we like. For that person, we damn the circumstances and the consequences, even if we know that the consequences would damn us. I’ve been in the same circumstances before. I damned the circumstances and consequences, and the consequences damned me. And I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d be damned again, damn the girl and save myself, or through some strange stroke of luck emerge victorious.
It all began Thursday last week, when I noticed that Karmela is online on Facebook. Doing what every guy who likes a girl would do, I chatted her up, asking her what’s her schedule since I wasn’t seeing her lately. Unfortunately, she didn’t reply, so I didn’t bother. After all, I have better things to do than flirt with a girl that’s not mine to begin with anyway. A few hours later, when I got to work, I checked my Facebook. Apparently, she replied. Except it wasn’t her, but her boyfriend.
He told me “Boyfriend ni Karmela to (this is Karmela’s boyfriend), so stop. I don’t care who you are, but stop talking to my girlfriend.” It was a warning that bore neither fang nor claw. Don’t talk to your girlfriend…or else what? Well, whatever it is, it was evident that he’s the clingy-jealous-psycho type, so my sensible side told me that I better steer clear of anything that has something to do with Karmela. I don’t want any trouble…well, actually I don’t mind it as long as it’d mean getting with her, but I was going to stay away, not because he told me to, not because I am threatened, but because it is the right thing to do, and because he is willing to go low enough to snoop on her girlfriend and use it to stop me from talking to her. Come to think of it, it was never really a warning, but a plea devoid of courtesy and civility.
In all honesty, I wanted to get back at him for acting as though he’s the boss of me. I wanted to tell him that she may be his girlfriend, but she’s not his property. I wanted to tell him that he is so pathetic and distrustful of her, opening her account just to check if she’s not doing anything behind his back. I wanted to tell him that his paranoia borders on the psychotic, using whatever nonexistent authority he has on me to stop flirting with Karmela even though what I told her is totally non-indicative of any intentions of romantic advancement (although that is my actual intent). But I didn’t have to, because last Tuesday, when I have already decided not to do anything with Karmela, she, not her boyfriend, but she herself in the digital flesh, chatted me up.
“Don’t worry, we’re cool. :)” That’s what she said. That’s what melted my resolve to stay away. That undid whatever her boyfriend said. I am uncertain if this is an invitation, so I’ll take it how I see fit. Thus, we chatted. And at the back of my mind, I was malevolently laughing, thinking how powerless her boyfriend has been rendered and how I probably have a shot at taking away what the beautiful maiden holds dear. Damn, I am a sick and twistedly evil human being.
I never really believed that people can taken away someone from someone. If someone succeeds at doing so, it’s only because the person they’re taking away let them. What if I tried to take her away…and succeeded? What if she let herself? Would I be stained with guilt or would I be too joyous to feel it with her letting me have her? What about the poor bloke he leaves? Like I’d care about him. Why am I even doing what I am doing? Is it because I like her enough not to damn about the consequences, to damn the consequences, and to endure the damnation as consequence?
Or is it because of the thrill of tasting the forbidden fruit, the sweet stolen waters, and the delicious bread eaten in secret? Obviously, I’d prefer it if she’s single, but her circumstances, which is something I’m quite familiar with, is once again starting to feel like some sort of kicker, a cherry on top if you will. People have always wanted the things they shouldn’t and couldn’t have or do. We want these things not just because they’re wrong, nor do we want them because they’re right and good, but because they feel right and good even if they’re wrong – such is the contradiction that makes our vile and sick selves crave for; the paradox that makes stolen waters sweet, the bread eaten in secret delicious, and the forbidden fruit desirable.
Still, right is right and wrong is wrong, regardless of how it feels. And divine retribution punishes those who do wrong. After all, karma is just two letters short of Karmela. Karmela jumbled spells “El Karma” – the karma. If I am to succeed in taking her away, what makes me sure that she won’t let herself be taken away by someone else? What if I found someone new in the future and some dude in her office flirts with her as well, taking his sweet and stolen time with her, and ultimately ends with her letting him take her? But what if I didn’t give a damn about the consequences? What if I looked at Karma deep and straight in her eyes that blaze with vengeful justice and told her “you may be a bitch, but I do not fear you and whatever punishment you have in store, for I am willing to pay for a well-deserved hell to reach heaven!”? Or would my so-called “heaven” turn out be not worth the pain of holy wrath?
Maybe I don’t want to let herself be taken away. Maybe all I wish is to steal a little bit of time with her and I’d be content forever. Or maybe I really do wish to have her for myself. And to do so, I need to damn the circumstances and the consequences. Which I’m unsure whether it would be worth it…or otherwise.
“But little do they know that the dead are there, that her guests are deep in the realm of the dead.”
-Proverbs 9:18
Home
For about a week now, father has been home. Things will be going back to normal, and by normal I mean boring, funny, serious, sad, angry, or even chaotic sometimes, but always happy all throughout.
Last week, I was either at the hospital accompanying my dad or at home guarding it – alone. And the latter made me realize how sad it is to be alone at home without my parents. Sure, I have the house, the internet, and the TV all by myself. I could’ve brought friends and had a drinking session while watching a movie or two. I could’ve invited a girl and…you know. But doing the wrong things that feel right at that time wouldn’t feel right. Not when father is far from alright. Not when he can’t scold me for disobeying him.
I was alone. My parents weren’t there to cook me food or clean the house, while my siblings were always away because they have school. I had nobody to talk to and share my random thoughts and emotions with. I was at home, but not completely at home. There were too many things missing, and I missed all of them. I missed father’s random talks about the country, politics, history, rock and roll, the ’60s-’80s and other things we really didn’t care about. I missed mother’s cooking and concern towards the rest of us. I missed brother’s tales about his debaucheries and women. Even sister’s newfound love of college as well as her preppy preppy life is a very welcome topic to hear about compared to this awkward silence that didn’t seem to lessen despite my music and sounds from my video game.
Now that he’s home, everything’s back to normal – the same normal that I used to take for granted and will probably take for granted as time goes on once again. And it seems like it’s already the case since the rest of the family are back to whatever they’re up to. But isn’t it how it’s supposed to be – normal? Aren’t things supposed to go back the way they used to be? Things being back to normal is much better than things never going to be the same again, right? Well, if you mean for the worse, then no. But everything turned out for the better, thus our lives return to normal. A better kind of normal which, although seems like the same kind of normal has before, actually got us more appreciative of our family, not to mention better health practices. Especially for father. Thank God for that.
Yeah, it’s a week late, but welcome back home, father. Welcome back home, everyone.
Recovery To Lightheartedness
The last time I wrote in this site, it was about father getting sent to the ICU and having his first and hopefully last dialysis ever. Now I return bringing good news, as my father was finally transferred from the ICU to a regular ward last Saturday, and has improved so much ever since, as he was given diuretics so that he would be able to urinate out the fluids that were congesting his lungs and giving him a hard time breathing. Truly, thanks to God indeed. I guess all’s well that ends well. And with that, the usual lighthearted tone my blog usually has returns, this time hopefully for good.
Then again, unfortunate events, varying in severity and nature, will always happen in our lives. Some are just mere nuisances that we can easily overlook, while some are life-changing tragedies. But no matter how awful things get, whenever we get down, even when we hit our lowest point, there will always be a reason to smile or laugh after or during these trials, and it’s up to us too see them. There will always be a time to rise back up, even just a few notches above rock bottom. It’s not a question of if such a time will come, but of whether you will allow yourself to do so when it comes.
You might say that I’m just saying these things because things went for the better. Well, probably and probably not. Of course, I am more than happy that everything turned out fine (Who wouldn’t be?). But what if they didn’t? What if (PURELY HYPOTHETICAL!) father’s current went for the worse, or even the ultimate worst (I don’t even want to say it)? Then I probably wouldn’t have written this post in the first place. I probably wouldn’t have the mood to post anything cheerful or lighthearted for weeks or even a month or two. Heck, I probably wouldn’t post anything at all. But I’m sure that there will come a time when I would do so once again. I can’t stay down forever. Well, actually I can, I just probably would choose not to. Awful things are inevitable, but you can’t let such things take control of you forever, because to do so would be an utter waste of time, life, thoughts, and emotions. Sure, life isn’t just butterflies and unicorns, but it’s also not just doom and gloom.
I’m just twenty-two going on twenty-three. I still have four, five, maybe even six more decades to live if I’m blessed enough. And I’m sure there will be more trials to come, and I’m sure they’ll be much more difficult than what our family just had. There will be problems, but there will be solutions as well. There will be losses, but there will also be gains. There will be despair, but hope will never leave me. There will be downs, but there will be ups. And I’m certain that there will definitely be more ups and highs.
Realizations With Father: Fears, Worries, Sickness, Prayers, God, Faith, Hope, Love
We take for granted the people we think will always be with us. But even when just one of them are threatened to be taken away from us, we feel as if everything will be. And when everything turned out alright after coming face to face with the possibility of losing that one person is, you realize how important that person is, not to mention how grievous life would be without that person. For me, that person is my father.
Last Friday, after four days of a seemingly non-self-limiting viral infection, father decided to go to the hospital with mother, I go to work as well as meet my aunt to pick something up, and sister stayed at home. I thought it’s just going to be another day in our daily lives as a family. I thought that I was going to go home with a smile on my face after eating with my friends at Mercato while father and mother either goes home from the hospital because confinement won’t be necessary or gets a day or two just for fluid replacement. I thought wrong. Very wrong.
Just an hour and a few minutes after I got to work, my sister called, relaying to me that father will be sent to the ICU because his blood pressure dropped to 60/30, which is thirty points below normal. Just the words “father”, “ICU”, and “60/30” were more than enough to make me not give a damn about workplace ethics and raise my voice in shock. They were more than enough to make me ask my boss if I could take the day off. And my reaction to sister’s words were more than enough to convince her.
I hurriedly took my bags, punched out, rode a jeep, and took a special tricycle to get home as fast as I could. And when I did, I dropped my bags, took off my shoes and socks, called mother, and went off to the hospital with just enough money in my pants to make a special tricycle ride. Throughout the entire way from the office to the hospital, I was afraid that everything might go wrong as well as everything that might happen after that, but I could not let my baseless fears get the better of me. I know I had no power over what was happening, but God does, so I prayed to Him that He would not let anything wrong happen to him. And it was a prayer hastily answered, for when I got there, father was in a bed, with an O2 tank and IV line hooked, being pushed towards the elevator and into the ICU. Thankfully, he was still conscious, so I asked him how he is, and he told me that he’s okay. After that I went up the stairs to check up with mother, who was already waiting for father to arrive at the ICU. Worried, I asked mother what the doctor told her and told her what I was feeling about everything that’s happening, especially the fact that it didn’t turn out as smooth as I thought.
After waiting outside the ICU, the nephrologist told us of father’s condition. It wasn’t just the flu – it was severe sepsis, thus he was given top-of-the-line antibiotics that cost Php4000 per vial. But right now that wasn’t the main problem, but his creatinine and sodium bicarbonate levels, with the former at 600 (I don’t know what measuring system they used, but I know that’s definitely way too high to be normal) and the latter at 8 (normal level is at 22-26 mEq/L, his is way too low, and 7.1 is not compatible with life). At that point, aside from him being given sodium bicarbonate via we were told that in order to live, father had to undergo that one thing he dreaded ever since he found out he has nephrotic syndrome – dialysis. We asked the doctor if dialysis for father would be a one-time-only deal or a regular gig from that point onwards, and he told us that there is no guarantee for either. In hopes that it would be the former, and in hopes that he would see another day, father agreed to go for emergency dialysis. After he agreed, we apologized to him. Mother apologized for not taking him to the doctor early enough and giving him the flu, and I apologized for not insisting that I will not go to work last Wednesday or Thursday just for him to seek medical help, but all father told us was that it was nobody’s fault, that it was bound to happen. But sometimes, things aren’t as “bound to happen” as they seem. We do things in the now, fail to see what it’ll do in the future, then blame fate for it. Then again, who really could’ve known things would’ve turned out as bad as this.
Mother and I returned to the waiting area, crying, hoping that father would only undergo dialysis once and have a miraculous recovery despite the fact that the doctor is already suspecting renal failure. So we prayed. Hard. And honestly, that was perhaps the time when I prayed the hardest my entire life. After that, we ate at McDonalds, and mother couldn’t help but cry, probably because she was having the same fears as I was a few hours ago. And despite the fact that I knew in the back of my head that father is going to pull out of this, just like how God always gives him the strength to do so, I could not help but cry too and feel whatever she was feeling. Despite the fact that I knew that it was not his time because his children are yet to become the successful individuals he always envisioned us to be, not to mention that they haven’t given him grandchildren yet, I could not help but fear whatever she was fearing. Seeing me cry, she told me about how the doctor could not seem to believe how he’s been taking steroids for 25 years already and still doesn’t need regular dialysis. She told me how those who had the same condition as father had been long gone before him. She told me how the doctor told her that they’d never have children, and yet was able to have three. She told me that God will make another miracle, just like how He always does, just like the one I’ve been taking for granted for so long – father.
We got back and waited for him to be taken to his emergency dialysis, as we were told that we could come with him. When I saw father again, even though it was only a few hours, it seemed as if he was gravely weakened, his breathing shallow and erratic, and his speech soft and slow. With so many contraptions hooked on him, I couldn’t help but feel broken up inside. My father, who I have always seen as a strong and enduring hero who carries on with living despite his numerous ills (diabetes, HPN stage II, nephrotic syndrome, Cushing’s syndrome), reduced to a trembling man lying in bed…NO! He’s still as strong and enduring as ever, and he’s fighting, not only for himself but also for us, his family. And God is giving him the strength to do so, because He knows that we still need him, so much. He knows that we love him, so much. So much that I took his iPod and listened to the songs he usually plays to remind me of the times when I play League of Legends while he plays his old songs, then I tell him that it’s too old for my taste when in fact I actually like them. Well, some of it at least. And among his many songs, I played The Way it Used to Be by Englebert Humperdick, one of his favorites. And how I pray that it would be how things would go…
We went home at about 4AM, after father completed his first and hopefully his last dialysis ever. My body and mind were tired from all the stress of worrying and fearing for father’s well-being, but I honestly didn’t want to sleep. Sister, mother, and I couldn’t, not with father away from home while wrestling with a disease, so we prayed again for father’s healing and our peace of mind. Then I slept, not because I wanted to, but because I had to since I’ll be needing the strength for tomorrow. It was a shallow sleep with a muddled dream, but nonetheless enough to restore my energy. I didn’t have much appetite either, but mother told us that we need to eat lest we get sick – something we are so damn sick of hearing, more so with getting, so I ate sister’s Jolly spaghetti which she wasn’t able to finish last night.
Mother and sister left to pay father a visit, while I stayed at home and watched the movie Paul. It was a pretty cool comedy, except for the fact that it pokes fun at Christians, not that I’m complaining about it nor am I saying that it dampened my enjoyment of the movie, it’s just that it’s totally unnecessary. Well, if there’s something that dampened my enjoyment of the movie, it’s my worrying for father’s condition. But people couldn’t and shouldn’t do so. That’s why I was watching the damn movie. And sweet the flick may be, my worry was like toothpaste on the mouth, dulling its intended taste. To me, the only way my worry could be rinsed was through news of father’s improving condition, something I heard before mother went back to the hospital the second time. Apparently, father will be moving out of the ICU and into a regular private ward. And not only that, he can also once again eat, drink, and urinate. Upon hearing that news, I couldn’t help but feel reinvigorated. I swear, I’ve never been so relieved my whole life, and I couldn’t help but thank God for answering my prayers, our family’s prayers, my church’s prayers, and my friends’ prayers. And not only am I thankful to God, but also to everyone who offered their prayers and showed their concern for me, my family, and most especially my father. For now, I can only pray that his recovery will continue steadily and hastily.
These past two days, I realized how much our family loves father. I realized how much we could not afford to lose him. I realized that we can only rely on God in our darkest days, especially when we can do nothing against them. I realized how times like these could bring a family closer not only to each other but also to God. I realized that no matter how much medical science has advanced, it’s still not and never will be a perfect and exact science, as there will always be room for unexplainable miracles. I realized that as a family, we need to change for the better, this time for good. And lastly, I realized how much I should never take for granted father is, I realized how much I should cherish him. While I may have much time in this world, many of my next years might not be with father anymore, so I should treat him and my time with him as blessings from God and be thankful for it, lest he leaves one day, leaving me with nothing but regret.
I put the I in the UNIVERSE. I hope I can put U too. 