Month: February 2014

Story Ends, Story Goes On

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There are stories that begin sweet and end sour, or even bitter. The protagonist doesn’t know why or how it happened, and yet he trudges on in an attempt he fears to be in vain and hopes to succeed to bring things back to how they used to be. But ultimately and inevitably, he fails, for that is how the story was written. It’s nobody’s fault; it’s just that the story took its course. And no matter how many times the story is read, it will always have the same downhill events that will result in the same downing conclusion. Such is my story with Sean…

My first few days with Sean were just “peachy”. We went on a date, and we’d chat and text a lot. Of course, it was too early at that time to say that we were going to be a real couple (and now I know that it never was and never will be), but it felt as if we were going to be, so I thought that I just had to keep on doing what I was doing and say the things that I was saying in order for it to be so. Unfortunately and almost predictably, we didn’t. I saw the signs, yet I paid no mind, for my heart was already set on her…

There came a time when I felt that we will never be “us”, as all I mostly got from her were one-liners; she no longer started conversations, and she was always busy during the weekends. However, I fought that feeling off and hoped for the best while bracing for the worst. I told myself that maybe she was just playing hard to get, and I was more than up to the challenge if that was the case. Maybe I’m smothering her a bit too much with the texting and chatting, so there were many days when I didn’t. However, neither was the case, and now I know.

I asked her today if she’s free on Sunday, as I might not have time to chat her up tomorrow since I’ll be playing DoTA 2. Despite my greatest hopes and just as my greatest fears told me, she said no, as she will have practice games for Heroes of Newerth on that day, so I told her it’s cool since there would be other days. And then, finally and unexpectedly, she dealt the final blow – she asked me if we can just be friends for now, and she also added that she didn’t want to go out with me because it would give me false assurance. I did not know why she finally said it; maybe she was already so sick and tired of making up stories, my blind, dumb, and clueless optimism, and annoying perseverance. Well, whatever her reason was, I knew at that point that it was already over, but I thought that maybe, just maybe, I can still make an epilogue with a hopeful note, so I told her that I was just asking her out so that I can know her better; I also added that I didn’t mind being friends with her for now, as long as it’s not forever, but maybe we just should if she really felt that I can never be something more. Despite my greatest hopes and just as my greatest fears told me, she chose the latter part of what I said. Now everything’s been done and the apologies and gratitudes have been said, and I’m left undone with so many things unsaid. I don’t want to say those things anymore, so instead I’ll just ask one thing: WHY?

WHY LOVE, WHY!? Did I not believe in you enough? Did I do something wrong? Did I do too much or too little? Why do you deny me and make so many undeserving ones hurt others in your name? Am I cursed? Is there something wrong with me? If so, I can change, EVEN IF I BECOME SOMEONE ELSE!

Maybe it’s not yet my time. Maybe she’s not “the one”. Still, even if she isn’t, I do love her for real, and it hurts so damn much.

My story with Sean may have ended, but my story goes on, I guess. I have no choice but to go on anyway. Who knows, maybe “the one” is just around the corner? I don’t know; a part of me is telling me to give up the damn romance subplot, as I already had five serious tries that yielded zero results. But if I give up now, then I would’ve totally lost my chances, so I won’t, even if it’s already against the odds because a 23-year old without dating experience is a total no-no for women in the 21st century.

Still, no matter who comes next, even if she’s “the one”, she’s not Sean. Once again, I lost all chances with someone unique.

And so, with a broken and heavy heart, the story goes on…

P.S.: Guess I’m crashing the De La Salle University party tomorrow with my brother from the University of the Philippines…

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Valentide’s Day Part 1: Love Is A Broken-down Cab

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Sorry for the late post.

“I wanna push you around; Well I will, well I will…”

-Matchbox Twenty, Push

Real men don’t go on dates on Valentine’s Day; they play DoTA 2 and then move  a broken-down cab on their way to a restobar.

“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BALL!” growled the vocalist; his screechy voice that can be heard across the school grounds on a supposedly beautiful and romantic Valentine night sounded as bad or even worse than fingernails against a chalkboard, so much so that Fernan complained about it and wished he’d stop, and I’m sure he wasn’t alone in that. As for me, I wanted it to both stop and not stop, as I thought that it was a perfect representation of my Valentine’s Day – a perfectly messed-up song from a messed-up artist being covered by a messed-up singer, all while everyone had it peachy with their balloons, chocolates, and bouquets, and the couples were just…UGH! Seriously, how did that ordinary-looking guy get that pretty, slim, and fair-skinned chinita that looks like a Korean drama actress go all lovey-dovey on him? Lucky bastard, what I wouldn’t give and do to be him, even for just one day…but I guess fate has another plan for me, which is to push a cab from Blumentritt to Welcome Rotonda. After circling around the UST area almost twice in search for a cab, hailing so many occupied ones, and being denied passage twice, we finally found one. It’s not much, but it’s a cab nonetheless, so we took it.

You see, getting a cab is kind of like love. You’ll be looking for it, and eventually you’ll find it. As you wait, there will be ones that are taken, ones that refuse to take you, and ones that will, and it’s all up to you to either settle or keep waiting. But if you keep waiting, it’ll be too late soon and you’ll end up going nowhere. We were in a hurry, so we had no choice but to settle for an old 90’s model cab. We’re not superficial, so we didn’t mind the exterior (or even the crappy interior, as its seats were torn) as long as it could take us to Tides, but apparently the damn thing had issues we didn’t know. Yeah yeah, we should’ve either assessed it better or chosen a better one, but we’re in a rush. And since we’re men, we stuck to our choice, even if it meant pushing the damn vehicle along a national road while people looked at us and whispered amongst themselves with ridicule, as it broke down in the middle of Blumentritt because it ran out of LPG, and the closest CleanFuel is in Welcome Rotonda. See children, this is why you shouldn’t just settle with who’s there. But if we didn’t settle, we wouldn’t have had an unforgettable Valentine adventure.

It was something that would’ve been a perfect addition to The Hangover, a messed-up procession with a messed-up origin, and I swear the damn spectacle of a debacle of ours would’ve been eons longer if Paolo doesn’t work out, as Fernan and I (currently) are thin little wafers. Apparently, he doesn’t work out to get a rocking body for the ladies, but for this very exact moment (I was being sarcastic). Once again, it’s just like love, for love is that one very exact moment that you’ve either been preparing for it all your life or have no idea that is going to come. In the case of the latter, it either comes when you’re ready or otherwise. However, sometimes it never happens. I mean, if we took a different cab, we wouldn’t have had our impromptu parade. If we just left the driver and paid the fare, our tale would’ve been less sweet. If Paolo doesn’t work out, then it would’ve been one long-ass disaster. In the end it’s really up to fate, and pity the ones not fated to push the broken-down cab to a faraway gasoline station and have a story to tell their friends and family – pity the ones not meant to find love. Wait, I think I presented love as an unexpected and difficult mishap that turns out fun in the end…but isn’t that how it truly is? Yes, and that is why some refuse it because of the unexpected and difficult part, some dive headfirst into it without knowing what it truly is because of the fun part, and some accept all its parts with all their heart. The last ones are the only ones who know what true love is, although they do not always find it even if they want to. Like I said, it’s really up to fate.

Finally, after that not-so-little impromptu parade, we reached Tides. The cab driver told us that we didn’t have to pay the fare since we helped him out of the sticky situation we were all in, but we insisted that we should, so we left around Php70-90 – about half of what was supposedly we were due. We didn’t have to pay him since he said it’s fine, but we knew deep in our hearts that we had to, so we did. And maybe true love is like that, for it expects nothing in return, and yet we can’t help but give love back because we have been moved by it. In our case, it was literal…

To be continued…

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Final Fantasy XIV: Limit Break

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I swear to God this will be the last Final Fantasy XIV post I’ll have for a long time…

Eorzea – the Final Fantasy fantasy world that I have been spending a lot of real world time in, so much so that it’s almost my real world, and I hope that it would be. Unfortunately, to be able to stay in Eorzea requires a paid subscription, and the time for said subscription ticks away even if I’m not playing. In order to get my money’s worth, I play a lot of Final Fantasy XIV as much as I can until I reach the point when I want to do something else. If that happens when Brother is home, I ask him to use my account and play his character so that the subscription time that would’ve been put to waste would be rightfully used instead. If Brother is in school, then I leave Eorzea for a few minutes or hours to do whatever I want to do instead and return later on. Sure, it’s good, healthy, and leaves my soul satisfied, but the few hours out of the thirty days I paid for would be lost forever. And now that my 30-day subscription is over, Brother just returned to school, and I have a lot of things that I want to do, I decided to put Final Fantasy XIV on the back burner…for now.

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My brother’s character, Diamond Stardust. A level 50 bard (advanced Archer class).

Eorzea is undoubtedly beautiful, but there are many other things that are just as beautiful or even more in this world as well as others, so I spend a bit of time away from Eorzea to appreciate those things. I currently do not have a day job, but I still got a real life that includes a social life because I still choose to go outside with family and friends, although I think it’d be nice if one day Eorzea became the real world and having a real life means going with family and friends to faraway lands and slaying dangerous creatures. Anyway, aside from my greatly diminished yet still existent real life, I also wish to read a lot of manga and novels, anime and movies to watch, and other games to play. Yeah it’s still otaku-related, but at least I got more variety. Sure, being in Eorzea is nice, but to always stay in Eorzea to the point that I’d miss out on a lot of other great things would be such a damn shame. I mean, when my subscription was active, I only got to touch Noragami (anime), DoTA 2, and the regularly updated manga since I was too occupied with leveling my now-level 29 arcanist and getting the top-of-the-line gear for my level 50 paladin. Now that I’m off the subs, I have listed down the other stuff I plan to do.

Anime to watch:

  • Gundam Build Fighters
  • Kill la Kill
  • Samurai Flamenco

Manga to read:

  • Kimi no Iru Machi (do not discourage me even though it’s 200+ chapters and I haven’t started on it yet.)
  • UQ Holder
  • Kuroko no Basket (tentative, as I’m not exactly a sports manga fan, especially if it’s a mostly-bishounen-that-totally-fujoshi-fuel-and-therefore-probably-actually-gay-cast)
  • FAKKU!

Movies to watch:

  • Cavemen
  • Hotrod
  • Sex Drive
  • Her
  • Dazed and Confused

Miscellaneous:

  • PORN!
  • Weed

Real-life stuff:

  • Apply for a masteral degree in De La Salle University
  • Look for a job
  • Hang out with friends, especially those from BMJ as well as Gillian

Games to play:

  • Dragon Nest (scrapped it when I realized that getting to 70 is a draggy chore)

This means that aside from DoTA 2, Final Fantasy XIV is the only game I have been playing…and the only thing I have been doing mostly when the subscription was still active. Like a crystal meth deity, I am hopelessly hooked and devoted to it. Like a possessive girlfriend, I very much love her yet still want my freedom and some time away from her, and yet there is this part of me that longs to be with her again now that I got what I wanted even though I still haven’t enjoyed them to the fullest. It’s confusing really.

Oh my beloved Eorzea, what hath thou done to me?

P.S.: Since we’re talking about Final Fantasy XIV already, I might as well show you a bit of updates with my life in Eorzea.

Aya Toujo, who was once a gladiator, is now a level 50 paladin sworn to protect the sultanate, the city of Ul’dah, and all of Eorzea. Done thwarting the Garlean Empire’s advance, she is currently procuring the most powerful pieces equipment so she can vanquish the greatest threats in the land.

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Slay a dragon in Lagendia and you become a hero. Slay a dragon in Eorzea? Big deal.

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Lo and behold, Ultima Weapon; the Garlean Empire’s trump card. It was powerful, but not a match against us Heroes of Light.

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Hail to the Tonberry King…NOT!

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Bad demon! Bad demon! Stay, stay…

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The Lord of Destruction the Inferno, Diablo Ifrit

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The Lady of the Vortex, Lady Gaga Garuda

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Defending the land sure is stressful, so she regularly spends time relaxing at the crystal seas and pristine sands of Costa del Sol. This is Eorzea’s Boracay.

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Told ya.

And whenever she’s not getting rough and tough with the menaces of Eorzea or chilling out under the sun, she’s brushing up on her arcanist skills. Currently, she’s at level 29, and she’s a natural at being one, as she’s gifted with intelligence.

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P.P.S.: I missed Final Fantasy XIV even more after I made this, but I still definitely want to do the things I listed and therefore can’t pay the damn subscription yet. My heart is so torn in two…

P.P.P.S.: Then again, maybe I can pay and not play too much? After all, with a Php750+/-(which can be lowered to Php650 if I paid entry-level instead of standard, but I don’t want that) for 30 days, it’s basically just Php25 per day, which is just like paying one hour worth of PC rental. But I want every cent of that Php750 to good use! Ugh…

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Final Fantasy XIV on II/XIV/MMXIV: A Valentione’s Day Special

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“We can journey to a garden no one knows…”

-Rivermaya, 214

valentine

Ah, Valentine’s Day. Once again, love is in the air…Eorzean air. Wait, I think I got that wrong, as it’s not Valentine’s, but Valentione’s Day. It is when Eorzeans recollect the life of Countess Arabelle de Valentione, who refused the lap of luxury and endured countless hardships to find the L-word. And this year, her direct descendant Lady Lisette de Valentione has come to Limsa Lominsa to bring together hearts in love across the land through the help of adventurers, including our heroine Aya Toujo. Being a staunch advocate, ally, believer, and writer of love herself, she was more than up for the ask. And aside from the chance of being inspired by witnessing romance, Aya also wanted the red maid outfit that was given as a reward for helping out Lady Lisette. Well, whatever her reasons may have been, she rode off into the sunset for the glory of love, like a knight in shining armor from a long time ago…

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She went on three quests, but the most heart-wrenching one among them is called Right Here Waiting. ‘Twas about a girl named Nemoh Maimhov, who lost her lover Gwayne in the Battle of Carteneau. One day, she caught a glimpse of a man who she thought was him, but she dared not ask if he is her Gwayne, as she would not be able to bear the disappointment if he is not. Thus, she asked Aya to do so on her behalf.

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Upon her investigation, she found out that Gwayne indeed does live, but has *drum roll please* amnesia. How soap opera cliche.

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And that is when Gylbart, Nemoh’s childhood friend who has long been smitten with her, came into the picture. He told her that Gwayne is no longer the man she loved and maybe it’s time that she moved on and gave him a chance, but then…

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Poor Gylbart. Somehow I can relate to his story *cough*DAMN EXES!*cough*. Or not, because the man he is up against for Nemoh’s heart is and was never who Nemoh thought he is and was, as he’s actually a swindling bastard, it’s just that Gylbart didn’t tell Nemoh because it’d be too much for her to bear. Poor Nemoh. And poor Gylbart too, because Nemoh will forever love a swindling bastard and not him who has been loving her for so long with all his heart.

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Even in Eorzea, a place where the greatest of magics can be found, the strongest powers that be can be conquered by heroes, and the most obscure nobodies can find fame and glory, love remains an ever-mysterious force. Thus, I wrote this totally unrelated rant next:

Oh Love, how I despise you, for you make us smile by making us find you…and then break us by staying out of our reach. You make us fall so damn hard for those who do not and will not fall for us no matter what we say or do or how hard we try every single time. Why? Is it because our love, the love you have stirred in our hearts, is so damn worthless that it has no power over its recipient, our object of affection? Is it because we ourselves are worthless to begin with? Is it because you happen to despise us and love the rest? If such is the case, then why? Is the reason a secret? Or maybe there is no reason, is there? Maybe it’s just a great game of chance to you…a great and greatly painful and sadistic game of chance that always breaks our hearts in two.

Thus, I have grown to despise you and learned to love despising you, yet deep down I love to love you and despise to despise you, for I hope that you would love me back and give me your much-coveted bliss if I love you…or maybe you will still not, you eccentric wench. I guess only you can tell, and I despise you for that, yet I will love you nonetheless.

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Alright, enough of that mushy love hurts crap, let’s go back to Aya. You see, because she believed in love and helped other hearts in love, she too found a short stint of romance. It’s from a pink-haired bard who gave her a piece of chocolate.

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She’s very much delighted about it, but she’s still wondering if he’s gay, considering he’s a pink haired Miqo’te bard – a pretty gay combination if you ask anyone in Eorzea. Hopefully not. And if he is, then may Memphina bless his Valentione’s Day. “Happy Valentione’s Day, Mister Bard, even though I forgot your name. I hope I meet you again…” said Aya in the heart of her heart. And then she remembered the idiot of a playwright who did not love her back…

So to everyone, whether you’re in Eorzea, Tamriel, Lagendia, Aincrad, Alfheim, Midgard, Middle Earth, or just plain Earth, whether you’re single for now or ever since birth, in an open, regular, or complicated relationship, married, widowed, or divorced, Happy Valentine’s Day. May those who love be loved back.

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As for those who love despises and therefore will not and will never be loved back because of its rather unpredictable nature, may they still love wholeheartedly so that they can prove that their love cannot be broken, not even by love itself…

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Recovered

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NOTE: I wrote this about a week ago but couldn’t finish it because I didn’t feel like it. I’ve mostly recovered now, but I think I need to have this published in order to fill the void of my two-week inactivity.

If life sends us crashing to the ground, we can always rely on our own selves to dust our knees and start walking, running, and then flying once again. But if we bring our own selves to our own demise, it’s much harder to rise back up because you now doubt the person that will be doing it. Nonetheless, you have to. Well actually, you don’t. However, if you wish to keep living,  if you are to be happy again, and if you desire to be on higher or even the highest ground there is, then you have no choice but to do so. I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO DO SO, even if I have fallen so low.

Sometimes, when we finally get to take hold of something we wanted all our lives, we think that we will crumble from the pressure of having to hold it. That is what happened to me when I finally landed a job as a website content writer for a training consultancy company called TalkShop. I can’t seem to pinpoint why I decided to not push through with the work. Was it because of the 10-hours-a-day 6-days-a-week schedule? Was it the fact that I was writing for a company and not for my own damn sake which is to be published? Those are important factors, but not exactly the ones that killed the deal for me. What was it then? Honestly, it was my own self. It felt as if I wouldn’t be able to keep my end of the bargain, and I didn’t want to let them down, so I walked away before I could even begin. I WAS A FOOL. I still am, actually. I regret what I’ve done and I couldn’t take it back, so I had no choice but to learn a lesson from it instead of beating myself over it over and over again. After all, doing the former would garner me benefits and the latter would not, but I could not help but do so and wallow over the helplessness that resulted from my action, so much so that I could do nothing but watch anime while lying down and sleep on the first two days after I sealed my fate. I’m a bit better now because I can go out, talk to people, look for jobs online, and play games again, but I still feel pangs of self-loathing and get disheartened whenever I remember it. Oh how I wish that this awful feeling I have inflicted upon myself would pass soon…

And then there’s Sean. Now I know where I am with her, and it’s not exactly somewhere I want to be. See, she told me that I’m moving way too fast and she’s not exactly over her ex yet. I don’t know why and how, but just when I thought and felt that I’ve been doing everything right to the point that I can almost say that it’s already actually the case, this came up. Damn, ex must be trying to get back together. And then she tells me to go slow. Seriously? Nevertheless, I wanted to do my best and get her. After all, she’s one of a kind – cute, nice, smart, passionate and good in anything and everything she does…but then I realized that even though I’m very much willing to do no matter how long or hard, I can’t chase someone who isn’t moving at all, as she’s still stuck in the past. Oh well, whatever, I’ll just chalk it up to experience and move on even though it hurts and sucks because that’s the only thing I can do, I guess. After all, it’s her life, it’s her right to choose who she lets in it. And if she won’t let me because I’m trying to fill a space occupied by a ghost she refuses to exorcise, then I’m cool with that even though I’m not cool with myself regarding that.

I let the job go, and the girl drove me away. It’s like I died TWICE…IN ONE INSTANT. That’s alright, right? Actually it isn’t for me, but I don’t think blaming myself or complaining about my lovelife’s destiny won’t solve anything, so I fought the feelings a little bit more and more every single moment. I stopped lying in bed and tried to sit and play DoTA 2 and read manga. I knew that I was the problem, therefore I needed help; so I went out with my friends last Saturday- DoTA 2 and Tides…OH GOD THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN. And then I saw my brother playing Final Fantasy XIV over the weekend and I envied him, as I didn’t touch it the whole time I was depressed, so I played again…and being in Eorzea never felt better. Now I’ve been doing nothing but just that. I’M…BACK! And it never felt better to be. After all, being in a damn slump all day is actually pretty tiresome, not to mention unproductive.

I may have tripped twice in a row, but that’s okay, because this time I’ll be off the ground.

Epilogue:

I still don’t have much luck with romance. Talking to Sean feels like talking to Cleverbot, as our conversations were mostly about her and she hardly asked about how I am. I guess it’s time to take a hint. I don’t feel bad against her or anything, it’s just that I wish she’d actually tell me what’s actually up and turn me down instead of just trying to blur the whole thing into oblivion.

And then there’s Lace. Cute, rich, smart, UST College of Nursing, top 3 board passer. Like I’d have a shot with her. I texted her…no reply. Oh no woman, I don’t do double takes. Whatever. I’m just 23. Sure, I have zero experience and that’s a major disadvantage, but I have a feeling that will be remedied…soon.

Career-wise, I’ve had an interview with IMS Health last night and will have TWO interviews tomorrow, both at 10AM. Guess I’ll have to blow the other, unless I get my hands on a shadow clone jutsu scroll. And then there’s De La Salle University’s postgraduate programs.

Looks like I’ve really recovered…

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