Month: February 2016
(Not) A Damsel In Distrss
One of my favorite fiction tropes would be the damsel in distress. A woman, trapped in a dire situation, is saved by a dashing hero, and in doing so she falls for him. It remains as one of the most romantic clichés ever despite its overuse, but I learned recently that no person in the right mind could and should romanticize such an event if it were to happen in real life. And the reason I arrived with such a conclusion is because that’s the predicament Berna and I are in, and reality is so much harsher than fiction. I wish that it weren’t happening, as it’s taking a toll on her. But no matter how many coins I throw on a well, fairies won’t wand-wave our way out of this. Heck, there isn’t even a way to do what fictional heroes do, which is to vanquish the chief antagonist, thus freeing the girl. All I could do is be beside her in her fight against the insidious spectres that are haunting her, until the night when she can fight them off herself,= and close her eyes without fear or worry finally falls, for that is the only way I can truly be a true hero and save the damsel in distress.
In works of fiction, the hero encounters many petty and easily vanquished scum – robbers, goblins, trolls – along the journey, and at then he finally reaches the damsel’s chief abductor-tormentor – a powerful witch/wizard/warlock, a highly advanced alien race, a ferocious dragon, a wicked ruler, an obscure cult, or an ancient evil entity – which he battles with all his will and might in order to prove his love and dedication for his lady. But in real life, a robber, which is usually but a minor nuisance on the road in fiction, is more than enough to be the big bad villain. In real life, the damsel isn’t trapped in a tower; instead, she’s in the safety of her own home, and that sense of safety was dispelled when that stealing bastard broke into it, attempted to steal some of her family’s hard-earned possessions, and stabbed her mother on the forearm. His robbery of material things may have failed, but he has stolen the security of my woman and her family towards their own house and neighborhood. That means she had to be on a lookout on some nights; that means she now has to come home early or sleep at the office. He has stolen my woman’s peace; now she fears that a strange, malevolent man is lurking at the place where she’s supposed to feel the safest, standing beside her bed, looming at her as she sleeps. And while I, because of some strange reason and God’s help, was able to somehow get her smile back, there is still much work to be done.
Last Friday, hours after the incident, she just kept on crying over the phone and recounting what happened. Last Saturday, a day after the incident, I met her on KFC, and she didn’t say a word at first, and instead just held me tight, as though I was a living, breathing distress ball. At first I thought she’s going to be silent during the entirety of our date, except she wasn’t; she managed to smile, laugh even, which meant that somehow the warmth, joy, and lightheartedness I was sending her was getting through the dark and heavy shroud of her troubles. However, happiness won’t fight off filthy criminal lowlives, so as an additional measure, I lent her a wooden club, and Father lent her his steel baseball bat; both of which I carried on my back as though they were swords I would swing against anyone who has harmed and will harm her, especially that disgusting, evil crook. Imbued in those weapons is my wish to have peace restored in her heart, home, and family, and my passing it on to her was a symbolic gesture – the turning of that wish into a reality. So yesterday, I somehow thought that aside from the fact that she has to go home early or spend the night at the office, everything will start to slowly but surely return to the way things were in her life. And it does. But to me, it’s not fast enough.
Last night she texted me, telling me that she’s finding it hard to sleep because she’s still thinking about what happened, so I promised her that nobody’s going to hurt her. Thankfully, two texts after that, she had probably fallen asleep already. Of course she is still frightened; it’s only been a few days. I, however, wish that she no longer were instantaneously, not because I miss the times when we were carefree, or because I no longer want to deal with what she’s going through, but because I no longer want her to feel so frightened and haunted. If only there is no battle going on in the shadows of her mind, but oh there is, and wishful thinking going to cut it, so as her hero/warrior/guardian/knight/ninja, I will fight alongside her no matter how long, and certainly we’ll win. And the proof of that victory? My princess and her royal family will regain what the thief has stolen – security, serenity, and joy. And in their minds, the memory of that fearful night with that thief will be nothing but that – a memory.
Dear Berna,
I want you to know that I am with you, and God is with us. It’s alright to fear, but I know, and you should know, that deep down within you is the strength, courage, and peace that will allow you to fight it, and I will fight alongside you and awaken all those things. We’ll destroy all the ghosts that thief left in his wake, and we’ll live victoriously and happily ever after. For this is not a story about a damsel in distress, but about a war-goddess and her wargod.
Make Up, Not Break Up Part 1: Sleeping, Silence, Waking Up, and Forgiveness
We usually hurt the ones we love. And whenever we do, we usually do not intend to. We neither wish nor go out of our way to inflict pain on those near and dear to us; it’s just that we either fall short or do whatever we think is right but is actually wrong, and those things are what gets them. I learned this truth the hard and unexpected way, as I thought I was pressing all the right buttons with her, when in fact I was messing up our chain. That’s alright though, because I’ve picked up some new right moves, and now I’m back in the game.
What I thought would be the beginning of the end began with a bad decision, a succumbing to my weakness, and another bad decision. I should’ve played fight games with her on Playbook, a PS4 rental near my previous (and her current) workplace, but instead I chose to watch The Revenant, a slow-ass movie written by a pretentious ass of a director. The movie, which could’ve had a lot of events and elements excised from it and it wouldn’t have made a difference, was paced so sluggishly and devoid of both riveting conversations and any plot development that an average people would find as interesting and relatable, so I was unable to fight my drowsiness, causing me to catch z’s for a few minutes – a faux pas that’s disrespectful for my date. But according to Berna, she kind of understood why I dozed off, as to say that it’s a very boring movie is an oversimplification. Still, I know it’s not wrong and she was disappointed with me because of it, and what happened and what I did next made it even worse.
I got some shuteye in front of the person who I should be awake for and giving my attention and enthusiasm to, then I entertained a message from my BMJ friends, which was telling me to drink with them at 1AM, right when I woke up, and I seemed so stoked about it. In an attempt to dissuade me because I’m putting myself at risk by drinking until God-knows-when even though I was already sleepy, she took me to McDonald’s to have a chat with me, except she didn’t talk much, as she was already in a not-so-good mood, as she thought that I wouldn’t listen, that my decision was already set in stone. However, it wasn’t; I changed my mind before I got on the route to where my friends are. So when I got home, I texted her, telling her that I did take her advice, but it was already too late – I have already scorned her by not swaying when we were still with each other. So, as punishment for my insolence, I had to spend twenty-four hours with zero contact from her.
When I got home after our date, I sensed that I have majorly tripped her. After Literary Translation class, my suspicion was proved right, as she sent three long texts telling me why she was hurt by what I did, and the worst among those reasons was the fact that I told her that I missed her even she didn’t feel like I did during our date. That’s when I thought that it wasn’t an ordinary misunderstanding that won’t be resolved easily, and I was unfortunately right. I replied three long texts to her, explaining my side without justifying myself, but she didn’t respond. Six hours later, I sent her a long apology text, but, as expected, she didn’t respond. Because of our radio silence, I just felt so damn heavy because I know I grieved her heart and my words of apology could not reach her, as her pain was preventing them from mending the crack in her heart and the rift in our link. And when I’m disconnected from her, the little things that make me smile just cannot. Even DoTA loses its charm, as the joy of battle becomes a burden I have to put up with instead. And just like horseradish leaves over a bowl of bitter gourd, defeat made the taste of disenchantment a little bit worse, and even a sweet GODLIKE streak on our last game with the Windrunner wasn’t enough to mask it.
After our game, Paolo and I talked about my problem with Berna during our post-battle dinner and walk home. He gave me some advice, and he told me that it’s going to be okay because even though they have yet to personally meet, he can see and feel that my girlfriend loves me very much, and that he misses having a lover’s quarrel. I took everything he said by heart and decided to fight the distress I caused her so I could go back on her side. I texted her a really long message once again for the third time, to which she didn’t reply. To some, sending one long text after another in the event of a fallout is either annoying because it means I’m not giving her space to think, or it’s a sign of my lack of pride. I, however, don’t care about whatever I come across as, because what I care about is her and how we are, and we’re both not doing okay. With that thought in mind, I texted her again, asking if she was still awake because I wanted to call her so that we can talk about the problem. Expectedly, she didn’t reply, so I went to bed with a heavy heart and a troubled mind.
That sleep, however, wasn’t much of a break from the awfulness I was feeling, as I was only able to get four hours’ worth of shuteye, and when I woke up I just felt a sickening chill inside me – that’s what happens when things between me and my sunshine are not good. I tried going back to bed, but it was just too hard with all my cares about Berna and our relationship. I tried writing a blog, but the crippling emotions inside me were interfering with my creative flow. As a last resort, which should’ve been the first, I asked Mother to pray for me, for us, so that God would mend the crack in our connection and give us understanding, open communication, forgiveness, and love – the important things in a relationship whenever something like this arises.
After that, I somehow felt relief and was able to go back to sleep, as I had faith that God would work His way in both our hearts. Such a faith was well-founded, as my prayer has been answered when I woke up around 8AM. There it was, what I was waiting for the entire day last Saturday – a long text from Berna. And from that everything – love, forgiveness, and understanding – just flowed so naturally, and we were back to our usual constantly, openly, and crazily communicating selves.
In the end, everything panned out for the best. According to her, what happened wasn’t really that major, and I somewhat agree, but to me it was an important milestone and eye-opener. It made me realize that I can hurt the one I love accidentally, and I definitely will in the future. Of course, not on purpose, but it’s not an impossibility. However, even if I do, it’s not about what I’ve done wrong – except the ones that are so wrong that they are relationship-breaking – but what I do to make things up, how we reconcile with each other, and return to us loving each other and going through the highs and lows of life together.
But of course, making up over the phone isn’t enough. So come Monday, it was game time.
Make Up, Not Break Up Part 2: Punches, Kicks, And Throwbacks
“They say that the world was built for two
Only worth living if somebody is loving you
Baby now you do”-Lana del Rey, Video Games
Two Sundays ago, Berna and I have finally made up. We were sweetly texting each other, and our call lasted for hours. But come Monday, we were fighting again, and this time punches and kicks are involved, because nothing says “I love you and I’m glad we’re okay again” like the video game violence that is Street Fighter IV.
For casual gamers and fight game enthusiasts who have yet to get into the series, Street Fighter IV is a good title to start getting into the almost-thirty-year old fight game mainstay. It has colorful and lively cel-shaded graphics, easy combos and controls that make the game feel like the original arcade hit, and the roster includes familiar well-loved classic characters and fresh faces who will be future favorites. On the other hand, for long-time fans, other than those aforementioned reasons, it’s the nostalgia factor. I wasn’t born in 1987 yet, which when Street Fighter first hit the market as a token-operated arcade machine, but I can definitely understand what long-time Street Fighter players feel with this game, as there was a seventeen-year gap between this one and Street Fighter III, which was released back in 1999, making the game feel like the proof of the crossing over of the franchise’s mainline titles into the modern gaming world. And to me, Berna and I sitting together on a Chinese New Year afternoon, duking things out with each other once again feels like a return to the times when our romance was still budding, an early reset of the tone of our relationship to that of a happy one.
Before we became an official couple, we were like two teens who were playing a guessing game of feelings. But aside from that, we usually played Mortal Kombat X after work, pulling off fatalities until our wrists hurt. Our Street Fighter game felt like a return to those peculiar but exciting our pre-courtship days, except this time, instead of figuring out what each other feels, we now affirm each other of the love we share and the relationship we have. One thing hasn’t changed though, and that’s us bringing the virtual pain on one another. It’s what we needed, as we had been through a not-so-minor-but-not-so-major strain in our relationship last Friday and Saturday, as I seemed disinterested with her on our Fri-date, wherein we watched a boring-ass movie and fell asleep , then I even considered going to a drinking session even though she’s strongly advised not to because I’m already drowsy. Monday, other than being a throwback, was my reparation for the things I’ve done wrong, and a chance for us to do what she wanted last Friday. Not so surprisingly, I loved it a thousand times better than The Revenant. Fuck yeah, it’s geek culture over borderline pretentious artsy-fartsy crap.
We’re the type of couple who love talking. A lot. In fact, there are many times when we prefer to just chat rather than watch or do something. So after our rather zany Street Fighter session that left me wanting more, we hit BF Ruins, a nearby dry market full of stalls that sell clothes, toys, food, pirated DVDs, smartphones and their accessories, and vape-related goods. I bought an Arceus plushie, while she bought chili balls and dynamite for us to share while we sat on one of the tables at the middle of the place. As we ate our snacks, I remembered the first time we went there, which was when I was still courting her. We were eating quail eggs, I think, and we were talking about how I’d know when we’re already official. She told me that I should be the one to ask her if we’re already official. She then added that when I pop the question, it has to be a surprise and the mood has to be perfect. My crazy little mind thought that there’s no better time than that exact same moment, so I just let it rip in the middle of a place that’s devoid of class and atmosphere. Of course she didn’t answer my question, but she told me that she felt as if she was going to have a heart attack. Fast forward from that point in time to Monday last week, back to us eating street food there once again, except this time the question has already been answered with a resounding yes for almost two months already; and this time was no longer about us becoming a couple, but about us returning to being a happy couple after a day or two of conflict.
After our last hurrah at Army Navy, where we shared an eight-inch Starving Sailor Sandwich and Freedom Fries, we went home happy. And for me, even though the things we did were relatively simple, it was one of the best dates I’ve had with Berna. Maybe it’s because the dark days before our date forced me to put things into perspective. It reminded me of the things we’ve been doing right since day one, and by doing my part as she did hers, we were able to turn what’s ordinary into special once again, and bring back the magic of our first days and elevate it to an entirely new level.
It might seem strange that I’m talking a lot about the beginning even though we haven’t even hit two months yet. But for me, it’s not. I’m not missing that intoxicating feeling of newness; it’s just that our reconciliation allowed us to take ourselves back to our wonderful first few days and replace its former fuel, which is the thrill of the chase, with a new one, which is the assurance, consistency, and dedication of our love for each other. Just like Street Fighter IV, this is a start that feels both familiar and completely fresh, and I will always remember the awesomeness of it and our first days in mind. By doing so, I’ll never forget both the most amazing girl to ever come into my life, and the A-game that have made and will make me pursue and choose that girl every day.
I love you Berna. May our restored bond, the magic of our Monday date, the joys and struggles to come, and the times we’ve been and will be together make us last longer than Street Fighter. Let’s see how many sequels we can play.
P.S. I swear I’ll no longer play Blanka. 😛
Ah! My Human Girlfriend
Last Sunday, for some strange reason, and fittingly, of all days, the theme of my girl and I when we were texting is that of Greek mythology. And now I realized that this blog post is long overdue, two months ago to be exact, as it was back in the 18th of December that I found my goddess, Bernadette. So here I am, in my atelier once again, writing about the most recent chapter of my personal saga and mythos, of the fairly new and hopefully endless age of a monotheistic pantheon and the religion of its sole faithful. Welcome to the third realm,
There are women, and then there are souls who share the same physiology and behaviors as them but are echelons above them. At first I thought they were angels, and I have been chasing after these beautiful beings ever since my first sighting of them. This world, which revolved around romanticized unrequited love and was set in a four century-old academe, slowly unfolded until it lost flight, hit the ground, and became broken, as one messenger was plucked after another. Then came the second – a colorful and expansive realm that spanned workplaces, cityscapes, beaches, and the plane of cyberspace. It is teeming with mermaids, faeries, and nymphs, and hiding among them is the goddess. I chased after them, these candidates for the divine, and when I was starting to feel tired of all the running around, ghosting, and friendzoning – both in my end and that of the false deities – the true one has finally descended. Bernadette.
Bernadette, the chief and only goddess of the Jamesbayotian Romantic Mythology. Some facets of her are opposite of what I have envisioned the goddess to be, as instead of being a fair-skinned chinita, she is a pure Filipina type with big and deep black eyes and smooth olive skin. Standing at around 5’2” or 5’3”, she’s definitely not petite, and instead voluptuous. And rather of being the sweet moe type, she is a sadistic tsundere, a blood goddess, Aztec-like in nature. However, some aspects of her have a commonality with how I imagined the goddess. Because as much as she hates to admit, her tsundere-ness is only the surface of her psyche; deep down she is a benevolent and warmhearted goddess who loves and is concerned with her one and only devotee, an Aphrodite whose love goes beyond that of Eros. She is also a deity of wisdom, as our deep, seamless, and seemingly unending conversations – proof of our beyond-physical connection – are filled with dialogue about cultures, ideas, dreams, passions, the arts, knowledge, and so much more. That is why she is now the goddess; she is now the world; this world, which is hopefully the last and everlasting.
She is the earth beneath my feet, warm and solid but not too hard. In her richness, inspirations take root and blossoms for all the world to see. She is the sea beside it, known yet still holds mysteries, a timeless old soul who is full of colorful life underneath a beautiful blue exterior. She is at times calm, at times unsettlingly silent, at times mercurial, and all the time a sight to behold. She is the open, endless sky above us all, and beyond that peaceful azure is a universe of possibilities rife with celestial bodies, forming figures and foretelling our futures. And this new cosmos, which is her, is shared by the two of us and the people and things integral to our mythos.
The first world was patterned on Evangelion and Judeo-Christian symbolism, the second one was an all-myths-are-true New Age Spirituality hoopla, and this current one is its continuation. This is the Age of Transcendence, of New Enlightenment, and Love. She sits on her throne, above and beyond the time-space, looking down on a nearly-infinite number of multiverses, watching her beloved warrior-poet hero – I – attempt to achieve greatness by following his passions and profess his love for her by offering her words, deeds, artifacts, and sustenance. And in my adventures with and for The Goddess, I am aided by equally important men and women: the wise prophet Fernan and our other brothers-in-arms Paolo, Nico, Nhel, and Ivan; the wordsmiths of La Salle – Kei, John, and Joyce; crafty rogues of SEO Hacker; my family, which adores the Goddess; the now-diaspora that is BMJ; and my loyal canine retainers Tala and Chase. As our journey continues, we discover bizarre beings: five-legged cows that live in Sky Ranch (we haven’t been to Sky Ranch), coffee-drinking giant humanoid rats and lizards, magma drakes, and unnamed dragons, just to name a few. And in our path that leads to the altar and the fulfillment of “The Prophecy”, there are those who will stop us: the Green Sea Monster, the Woman Who Changes Her Face, and Archangel Lucifer AKA “God Himself”. But through our love, understanding of each other, maturity, and giving each other freedom to grow, we will prevail, this glorious age will last forever, and we’ll continue having adventures until we ascend to the next plane, where we’ll still walk hand-in-hand side by side and continue conquering brave new frontiers.
Putting a girl on a pedestal is wrong. While treating a woman as a goddess make her pure, powerful, and smooth, it would strip her of her important right and ability to have weaknesses, break down, and ask for help, find rest from expectations, and become who she truly is and wants to become. So of course, Berna is never truly a goddess; she has flaws – some of which I already know, and some I am still discovering – and I would never take away her God-given right to have them. But the thing about love is that, according to my professor, it is imagined. I don’t fully agree, but I don’t fully disagree either; it just means that we love the one we love because the real fits the mold of the ideal. And Berna, while not exactly the latter, possesses many traits of the latter. And in this written realm, one of the imagined and ideal, Berna is glorified and ascribed divine properties to, turning her to the goddess Bernadette. However, she is far inferior to the mortal she is derived from.
As long as I love Berna, Bernadette will exist, but only in my head, and I will love her, but only as a symbol of the perfect love for a perfect existence. And I love Berna, a beautiful yet flawed flesh-and-spirit fusion of a female who exists in the plane of reality, for I can love her, and she can make me feel the same love. And although this life of love with her will have times of sadness, pain, worry, and fear, it still bests a self-serving fabricated romance between me and Bernadette, for it is felt by the body, the mind, the heart and the soul.
I love you, Berna. You are the myth and the living legend. 🙂
I put the I in the UNIVERSE. I hope I can put U too. 